The Tea Bagger (Oct 2010)
A few months ago, I got a strange e-mail on Match. This is all it said:
You’re cute and fun and I’d like to make out with you, no kidding. Are you up for it? – Patty
You don’t get many of these. And I don’t know what to make of it — does she just send this to a million guys and see who bites?
I look at her 3 pictures — she’s cute and looks a lot like Pam from ‘The Office’ (my celebrity crush), but there’s one picture where she looks older and less attractive than the others.
Then I look closer at the pictures I like — they don’t look like photos of a 45 year old (which she says she is), they are definately the pics of a woman in her 30′s. Early to mid 30′s. Upon closer inspection, like I’m working at a CSI Dating Crime Lab, I can tell they are photos from A FILM CAMERA. Like with grain. And not from a digital camera. So…these pics are AT LEAST ten years old.
Then she starts IM’ing me on Match while I’m analyzing these vintage photos and she keeps complimenting my looks and every time I try and change the subject, she keeps coming back to making it flirty. After a few minutes, she IMs her phone # and asks me to call.
I shouldn’t. I really shouldn’t. But I call.
And her voice is TERRIBLE. Warbly and off-key like the voice of an old lady. Like Mrs. Howell from Gilligan’s Island. But deeper. And drunk. Like a drunk tranny imitating Mrs. Howell at West Hollywood Halloween party.
Very quickly in, she starts talking dirty. And I change the subject.
“So…who do people say you look like?”
“When I was younger, people said I looked like Linda Ronstadt.”
Whaaaaaaaaaat? Red flags are dropping all around me. Linda Ronstadt? A reference from 1983? That’s her celebrity look-a-like? And it’s 27 year old reference?
Her: “I want to tea bag you.”
Me: What? What’s that again? (I thought only guys did that)
Her: You get your balls lightly sucked. (sluring) Do you like to have your balls lightly sucked?
Me: Um, yeah, I don’t have a reference point for that…actually.”
Her: “I am making you uncomfortable?”
Me: “Look, I’m just a Jewish kid from Philadelphia — no one prepared me for this.”
And I weaseled myself off the phone.