The Grand Gesture
The Grand Gesture. This is such a dating No-No.
And one I’ve been guilty of…many, many times. Even up to five years ago.
What is The Grand Gesture?
It’s when you demonstrate your interest in someone you barely know by doing something BIG and SHOWY to try and WIN THEM OVER.
But usually spooks the shit out of them instead.
Usually guys will buy something expensive and they think will “flip it” — way before it’s appropriate to be “gifting.” It’s usually jewelry, but it can be something they hand-made (guilty!) and mailed (double guilty) or left at their door or sent to their work (ahem, guilty again), or something unique based on the woman’s interest (“I know — I’ll get her favorite childhood book autographed by the dying author!” – ugh…guilty again). It can even be surprising her at a show she’s performing in. Even though we only had one date. And she didn’t want a second.
Something that screams, “I LIKE YOU SO MUCH — PLEASE LIKE ME BACK JUST AS MUCH!!!!! PLEASE!!!”
This comes from such a very needy and ‘masculine insecure’ place, it usually makes vaginas scared and sad for you.
But why does this happen if it’s so misguided and ineffective?
Movies and TV tell us it works. It doesn’t. Remember this asshole?
If this guy showed up at your house (you being the hottest girl in high school and this a weird outcast maybe with Aspergers who’s really into kick-boxing), you’d call the COPS. Seriously.
Some examples:
- An older rich guy tracked down a friend of mine who she had one date with and FED EX’ed her a diamond bracklet. With no return address. I helped her track down an office address to send it back to him. At 50, I was astounded that this guy still thinks this stupid “I’ll-Buy-and-Ambush-You-With-Shiny Thing,-You-Love-Me-Now” works.
- After a woman I was really into got a stomach ache on a date with me, I custom made a “First Date” first-aid kit with Pepto Bismol and some other trinkets and mailed it to her office.
Did she love it / the attention? TOTALLY.
Did it get me laid? OMG, NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Even a kiss? Not even fuckin’ close. Has she dated other guys and had sex and fuck buddies in the last five and half years since I did that? Oh, yeah. Would she have dated / had sex with me if I hadn’t tried to buy her affection with some stupid ‘I’m-Not-Enough’ gesture? Maybe. At least getting it on with me would have been in the realm of possibilities.
Once I offered TRINKETS instead of MANHOOD, I blew it.
Boys and Man-Boys, the Dating Daredevil says don’t do this.
June 8th, 2012 at 7:08 am
hi dave!
i am glad you’re back at writing so much. great. i really have to reply to this post.
in a nutshell: i agree. big gesture before the girl has started to perceive you as her mate or potientially so: no no no!
on this blog it is you who writes about how you made an ass of yourself (sorry about that, it comes from a solidarious place), but let me chip in. i – a female – have been unfortunately influenced by movies, too. movies have a lot to be blamed for dating mishaps! for example, jewellery… you see this so often in movies and other venues of pop culture that it appears to be a natural occurence when meeting an interested man. so much so that i (on my self-pitying days) question my own self-worth (!) why i haven’t gotten any jewellery from guys! from girlfriends: yes. guys: not once! i am even guilty of (if secretly and silently) accusing my past boyfriend who was a really nice and generous person not really liking me, because where was the damn jewellery! i hardly even wear jewellery. but it’s so omnipresent!
and here is another unfortunate experience with big gestures way too early. i met this really interesting, nice, blablabla guy. who showed wayyyyy too big gestures from our first meeting on really. at one point he even sat at my feet (!) and looked up at me like a puppy and asked for a kiss. what happened? what do you guess? nothing. i was disgusted. now as paradox as this sounds i actually liked him! so what did i do in order to give him a cold shower? i grew distant and ignored him a bit via email, phone, meeting etc. then he scolded me and said he can be like that, too. he did. i was sad. and….. end of the story. lovely, right?
so if this is any consolation. we are sort of in the same boat! if from the other side of the fence as i am a woman.
i wish us good luck, we need it! aghhhh!
ps: apologies for my english, not my first language.
June 8th, 2012 at 2:33 pm
lol – ‘remember this asshole?’
This was a good post Dave as it opens up alot of interesting discourse. How do men and women go after what they want? And do they know what they want? I mean, a grand gesture is inherently ill-timed and OTT…what is the giver expecting?
Dave, did you know what you wanted out of those grand gestures? Doubt if it was just to get laid…
June 8th, 2012 at 2:42 pm
OMG, you commented — so excited! thanks!
July 1st, 2012 at 11:45 pm
Well, I, unfortunately come from the opposite camp. Where are the grand-gestures guys all my life? I’m a woman, and I’ve never witnessed one, despite constantly yearning and dreaming about them. I will fall heads over heels over any grand gesture. Home-made first aid kit? Swoon! When I was sick, I got a “R u ok?” text. Not even a phone call. Flowers are once in a blue moon, or after a fight to be more accurate.
What do I do if I want to tell the guy that I LOVE grand gestures? How do I even make a suggestion? I hate this injustice – don’t let the grand gestures die, maybe ask the girl first if she is the type.
April 9th, 2013 at 7:12 am
Hi, thanks for sharing.