POST #100!!! The 38 year old 11 year old (Pt. 2)
At the end of the date with the girl I’ll call “The Kid”, we hugged / kissed on the cheek and she walked off to her bike. When we hugged / kissed it lingered for a second too long and it felt electric.
I thought about her for a few days. Was that an act? Some kind of dating performance piece? And God, that body. And she was the perfect height for me — maybe 5’2.
I decided to throw some bait in the water and see what would happen.
I e-mailed her on e-harm and just wrote “Wanna come over and watch Meerkat Manor sometime?”
After a couple days, she replied: “I would love that.”
Okay, maybe she was “with it” after all — what 38 year old doesn’t know the subtext of “Come over and watch ________.”
It took of bit of time to arrange this — I almost thought she was going to bail. Then on the phone, she’s like “I don’t have a car.”
“Oh, okay. I can go there. Do you have a DVD player?”
“My roommates do.”
“Yes, I have two. So what’s your address — I’m ready with a pen.”
“But I’m coming over there — I need your address.”
“Oh, right. It’s ______________.”
I arrive at her apartment — a large 3 bedroom in a old building near Fairfax and Beverly. She’s lovingly set up snacks on a coffee table in front of a TV.
Her roommate, a bearded dude in his 30′s, a younger version of The Dude came out in flip flops with his dog and set up the DVD for us, giving me a big, hard shake.
Meanwhile, my brain is screaming: This is weird! get out! Oh yeah, there was a parrot in a cage in the living room where we were, squawking “Hello!” and pooping loudly (splat! onto newspaper) every so often.
Then, for the next 90 minutes, we watch Meerkat Manor. Maybe 4 episodes.
And she’s really into it. I kind of vanished into the woodwork, even though we were about an inch from each other. The entire time I kept trying to figure out if she was developmentally challenged. Seriously. The little hands, the little face, her kid reactions, slow to get jokes.
At the 90 minutes mark, I announce I gotta go. She walks me to the TV where I retrieve the disc and then KISS HER.
AND WHILE WE KISS, SHE DOESN’T OPEN HER MOUTH.
I’m open mouth kissing her un-opened mouth. And she KEEPS HER MOUTH CLOSED. She might not know how to kiss. How is this possible?
At some point, I massage her jaw like I’m trying to get a dog to release a bone and she opens her mouth and we kiss. Her little mouth was so small, I felt my tongue run across the roof of her inner mouth.
When I stop kissing her, she looks down at the ground / her feet. We resume kissing.
She suddenly stops kissing me. “What are you doing for Passover?”
“What? Does it matter right now?”
We go back to kissing. Then stop. Still standing up. She wouldn’t let us sit down on the couch.
“I love your nose,” she says suddenly.
“Really? Why?” I had never heard this before.
“It’s SO BIG!” She says this like a kid — not realizing it’s an insult. Like when a kid says “You’re fat” to a lady on a bus.
“It’s not really — it actually fits the shape of my face — it’s just shaped like a potato.”
After about 10 minutes of kissing standing up, I go.
And once I’m outside, it occurs to me, “Oh, she just doesn’t have a car — SHE CAN’T DRIVE.” Like doesn’t have the motor skills / can’t pass the test. She might also be a virgin.
And I feel terrible for going down this selfish road.