OutKast and VD (explicit)
Anytime I hear “Hey Ya” on the radio — sometimes even on a date if it’s played in a bar — I can’t help but snap back to the night this laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadddddy gave me a little case of something-something. Nothing major — in fact, it’s so minor I hadn’t even heard of it. And kids give it to each other with wet towels or something. It went away and will never come back.
What happened was I was on a 2nd date with my second tall woman (5’9) at her house in Nov of 2003 — Nov. 1st to be exact. We made out for hours and watched SNL (OutKast was the musical guest) and when it got to be around 2am, I asked if I could sleep on the sofa not wanting to be on the road that late. She kept saying, “If you stay here we are going to sleep together.” I kept saying, “No, I just don’t want to have an accident driving home (she was about 25 miles away) and I will be here on the couch.”
After a bunch of back of forth in this arena, we start making out again and then at some point, she goes, “Let’s have sex.”
Oh! Okay…we have sex — with a CONDOM — she doesn’t seem to be enjoying it and I don’t get off.
In the morning, I’m thinking I’m going to get off, but no, she rushes me out of her house.
Then I get an e-mail saying she had fun, but doesn’t want to have sex or see me again.
About a week later, I notice a little something-something (not crabs or a rash, btw) and go to the doctor. He’s like “You got an STD.”
I freaked. ‘What — I’m so low risk! I wore a condom.”
“It was in her crotch.”
Damn that 70′s bush she was rockin’!!!!
Then I find out the medication isn’t covered by my insurance — so that turned into a $325 date.
And the doctor encourages me to let her know.
I didn’t want to call or send an e-mail.
So I wrote something on a 3 x 5 card (“Hey, hi, remember me…listen, I just went to the …. “) and put it an envelope and mailed.
Exactly 1.5 days later (probably as soon as she walked through the door at 5:32pm), she calls.
I let the machine get it. And I erase it w/o even listening to the message.
January 19th, 2012 at 5:01 pm
What really sucks is the sex wasn’t that good.
January 19th, 2012 at 8:21 pm
Inquiring minds want to know! Uhm…what STD are you talking about, because the STD’s that you can get while still using a condom are crabs, Herpes and HPV. Two out of the three are not curable…so I’m very curious as to what it was that you caught. I’ve read your blog to a few girlfriends and we are all stumped!
January 19th, 2012 at 8:32 pm
OMG! The famous Carrie! I am soooooooooooo flattered you commented (and even read my blog!)….that is crazy….um, I usually talk about anything and everything (esp. being a former stand up – truth+pain=funny), but I’d rather not blog about the specifics…Happy to tell you and Mary over drinks one night…maybe….I will say this — it was none of the above — and again, very minor. It’s funny, my friend who worked on GREY’S ANATOMY kept pitching it as a story (inspired by me) since it was not widely known.
January 19th, 2012 at 8:33 pm
Nah, what sucked was now “Hey Ya” will always be linked to that and the loss of the $$$, among other things.
January 19th, 2012 at 11:11 pm
That’s funny! I didn’t know this was your blog! I’ve been reading it for some time! Well, I have to admit that at least I’m not the only one who has dating nightmares! You know what they say about misery!!
I do enjoy your posts!
January 20th, 2012 at 11:53 am
I seriously i thought I had one reader. Two, tops.