Bad Phone Conversations
I’ve been online dating for 15 years (Match.com and my anniversary is this Saturday — maybe I’ll get silver!) — the ONE thing I can’t figure out how to do (without sounding like an asshat) is NOT ask someone out at the end of a bad conversation.
‘Cause if there’s one thing I’ve learned is BAD PHONE NEVER turns into GREAT DATE. Or even GOOD date. Ever.
Bad phone = Bad date.
OK phone = OK date.
Great phone often = Great date. (If they looked like their pictures)
Often, I find myself agreeing to go on date if the phone call was marginally okay, but they NEVER became my girlfriend and rarely a 2nd date.
But there are conversations sooooooooooooo shitty (doesn’t get my sense of humor, they are multi-tasking and half listening, they are BORING — “Um, so what else?” they’ll ask after I’ve done all the ‘heavy lifting’ to 10 minutes.)
And I feel like such an asshole going, “Yeah, we should get together, let me check my calendar and ring you back.” Or something like that.
Recently, one call was so awful, at the end of a PAINFUL 10 minutes, I said, “Can I call you back, my blood sugar is dropping.” (which it was or her lack of conversational skills was physically causing me discomfort). And later that evening got an angry note on Match from her saying “Great excuse! I should try it myself!” I almost wrote her back: But really? Did you want to go out with me? Did you really want more of the shitty time we were having? You want MORE of that?”
And there’s the being honest route. “Hey, I know we just talked for 10 – 30 minutes and I’m not feeling it and want to wish you the best of luck.”
The few people who have done that to me — God, it felt shitty — like a punch in the face. It felt rude, hasty, not kind.
Maybe I should send an e-mail that says that within a day or two? Thoughts anyone? Anyone?
January 19th, 2012 at 4:41 pm
I too never knew what to do with all those bad phone conversations, and often would just go along because it’s so ingrained in me to be nice. Now, however, I just say: “Nice talking to you. Gotta run.” It’s not nasty, but also doesn’t rope me into a bad date.
January 19th, 2012 at 5:25 pm
what is the response to that? Or do you hang up quickly?
March 7th, 2012 at 8:38 am
Lipstick, you hit the nail on the head! “It’s been ingrained in me to be nice.” How true! I think that’s my problem, too. It has taken me years to really spell out the truth to people, and sometimes it’s still too awkward to speak the truth, but ultimately everyone wants to know the truth, so you just have to say it. I often say that the truth may sting, but not knowing…and left to wonder is much worse.
The best thing for you to do is to be honest. And, you can be honest without sounding like a jerk. For instance, “Hey, I know we’ve been talking for 15 minutes, but I’m not really feeling the chemistry and I have a feeling you are thinking the same thing…” and see what they say.