Today, I happened to hear a podcast where a young woman told a story about her father…

She had an appealing voice and personality so I looked her up. She’s an actress in LA with a great look — she looks like Meryl Streep’s daughter. Pretty, but not too pretty with a slight bit of quirk (I mean that in the best way possible)…

Step 2 – Find out if she has a boyfriend.

Found her blog, no clue there. Found her acting website. No clue there (the last line of her bio wasn’t like: “She lives happily in LA with her boyfriend and their 2 dogs Cheeto and Max.”).

Her Facebook page gave me nothing. No “In a relationship with”, no “In a relationship” and then I dug through her photos.

No vacation pics with any guy, no wedding/bridesmaid pics and her date in a suit, no pics of her and another guy (maybe she’s a part-time nun?). Then it occurred to me — well, someone’s taking all these pictures….and then a clue…

There was a group pic of her standing next to a tall, swarthy vague-y handsome guy who had his arm around her (there were a smattering of dudes posing with her in other pics, even an arm around her waist, but wasn’t picking up “She’s mine!” vibe from them) — a guy I recognized from being in her acting reel.

I click on HIS page and VOILA! It says “In a relationship with Rebecca________________”

Now….WTF? Why does he have it posted and she has NOTHING?????? No indicator of anything? Ladies? Insight me!

UPDATE: I looked at the date of the pictures of the two of them and THEY GO BACK at least TWO YEARS. So they are BF and GF for at least two years — that seems pretty serious to me….so to have her have NOTHING about him being her BF seems conspicious…

Found on Match today:

On match not to date. I am too ill to leave the iv room at Dr. Harirs’s office most days. on here as a last ditch effort to see if anyone knows of an exceptional treatment that deals with life saving crisis’s of infectious disease that may help save my life. My life has taken a horrific turn this year and no ability to care for myself right now, and I have been in and out of ER and Hospitals this year more times than you can count. In Redwood city now seeing the top Lyme doctors on the West coast and still struggling. I am only getting worse day by day and we have no idea how much longer I even have on the planet. 350 plus vials of blood tests, and 60 MD doctors and naturopaths and counting. My body is failing quickly hard to walk,stand, think, and breathe clearly. I now have a picc line placed in my arm that goes near my heart for fluids and oxygen tank. I am batteling a severe case of Chronic Neuro Lyme disease, Mycoplasma, Babesia, Bartonella, and arsenic poisoning to the added list of blood labs. Severely weak and body will not hydrate on its own without IV or stop peeing most days. The letters help me smile and finding out so many others have struggled through this too. The dream that keeps me fighting is to be healed and educate others since it is the fastest growing disease in the US. In the mean time I am limited on the small amount of email I can return since my arm and hand are swollen. I return only a bare few emails in-between my sickness episodes,doctors, iv’s,treatments, etc. if they are doctor related. Cannot dirve, cannot go on dates. Have to have 24/7 care. Lyme is everywhere and is transferred by most insect bites now days and not just ticks. If you know of anyone who has truly been in remission of severe Chronic Neuro Lyme with babesia and severe life threatening conditions please let me know which doctor they used. Have been to endless naturopathic doctors, and tried every herb, product, MRS, rife, biophoton machine,gcmaf, kangen water,silver, you can probably come up. While I appreciate people offering support via phone I need in person support/care the most. No hospital in the US will treat this disease once chronic. Not even Mayo due to the politics. Watch the movie Under Our Skin to learn more. Most clinics do not treat patients on life support either as I have been dropped by several doctors when my body goes toxic from all the antibiotics they prescribe. Almost every doctor in San Diego I have been to and 6 lyme literate ones. Your stories of your own struggles are touching and wish I had the strength to write each one of you back to let you know I “get it” and have empathy for anyone who has dealt with this in their life or losing family members to horrific diseases I wish I could stop. I had cancer 12 yrs ago and that was easy compared to this. My photos were taken last year except one recent one in the past week hooked to IV.

This is too good not to write about…I sorta obsessively check the ‘Who’s Viewed You’ feature on match.com — I’m always fascinated with what I find….

Yesterday there was a 46 year old redhead from North Carolina who has 3 kids who “sometimes live at home” and who smokes “but is trying to quit” (yeah, right….and a 46 year old redhead who’s been smoking for 20+ years — that can’t be good…)

Anyway, it’s her pictures that I love (for all the wrong reasons)…. here’s the first:

Okay, I want you to notice a few things…

1) the scan lines from a scanner/printer. (I adjusted them in Photoshop so they are easier to see)…so this is an actual photo SCANNED.

2) The camera she is holding is NOT a digital camera. It’s an old fashioned film camera (see how thick it is). So this photo is about 10 years old. And she does look about 34 – 36 in the pic.

Here’s the 2nd picture…where is she probably 21 years old. 26 tops. She could be 19.

Now here’s my favorite….

A picture of her and her (once) happy family!!!! The black bars are mine, BTW. The dude wasn’t even cut out. And also notice the 2nd picture was taken the same day as this one (same shirt, pants, earrings).

And I realized that baby? He’s / She’s PROBABLY 20 YEARS OLD now. He’s/She’s probably had his own baby!!!!

One of the few things my parents really did right was spring for braces when I was 12 – 14. I have a great smile (my LA ex called them “TV teeth”) — not too toothy (think Denzel), but just right. I think I’ve won over some women just from my smile.

What I don’t understand is why other people my own age have terrible, terrible teeth — I’ve been on dates with women who make mid five figures – to 6 figures and they have the teeth of a hobo. I mean, for about 5 grand and a year to two years that could totally be taken care of. And there’s Invisaline too! Hell, Tom Cruise got braces!

I mention this because there are people aware of this problem and try and bait and switch you on dating sites. For instance, this attractive blond last night wrote me a lovely, lovely personalized letter. She referenced a lot of things in my own profile and was funny….and then I clicked on her pictures.

Now, she had SEVEN pictures. Five of them were close up of her face. Great. BUT she was smiling that closed-mouth Dustin Hoffman smile in ALL five.

And in the last two she was smiling open mouthed, but it was far away AND blurry. In the one last blurry one, I could tell something bad was going on — buck, horse-y teeth…

I hate to sound so judgemental, but it’s really the one thing I can’t get past look-wise (maybe like some women can’t get past the height thing)….

Plus, I don’t like the bait-and-switch aspect of it — she’s aware of the problem but hiding it from guys until it’s too late.

I don’t know if I should write back — she works at a studio 55+ hours a week so I might use that as my out…

• Telling me how much you love your dog and/or horse doesn’t help me at all. Especially when you mention it more than once.
• The multiple pictures of your dog doesn’t help either. You can have ONE picture of your animal. ONE. The rest are just wasting dating space in my head.
• Or pictures of mountains. Or fruit. Or fish. I remember a time Match would delete a photo if it had something or SOMEONE else in it than wasn’t you.
• Your family and friends are the most important people in your life — really? It can’t be!!!!
• The pictures of swimming with dolphins is getting old.
• And the skydiving shots.
• The 45 – 52 year olds who put ONE picture.
• Sunglasses in your main shot? Do you even care?
• Telling me how crazy busy you are makes my dick shrink.
• The 5’2 gals whose guy height requirement starts at 5’11? You should be ashamed of yourselves.
• If you don’t want kids and you don’t attend services that often, why must I be the same religion as you?
• The constant mentions of “chivalry.”
• The pouty face / mouth / duck face into handheld camera / bathroom mirror
• Any mention of “your rack.”
• Far away pictures / blurry / grainy pictures
• Your physical preferences of a guy (“No baldies, no short guys, prefer blue eyes — I really prefer tall men” — yeah, who doesn’t?)

I am not a quick adopter of technology, but I’ve had a digital camera for 12 YEARS. I don’t remember the last time I had pictures developed. Truly I don’t. Maybe I was in New York? I don’t even remember where I took the camera. CVS? No idea.

I say this because I see these profiles with SCANNED photos — these photos MUST be over 10 years old. Probably closer to 12 years.

Case in point, this pic above is the MAIN picture on a e-harmony profile of a woman who is 44 YEARS OLD. This picture must be her when she is in her early to late 20′s. 30, 31, 32 TOPS.

What are people thinking when they reach for 15 year old pictures to scan? It’s like the weatherman showing me video of what the weather is on this date 15 years ago. Who cares????? I need to know what the weather is TODAY. RIGHT NOW. I need to know if it’s going to rain or whatever.

Hell, I get annoyed when I see a time stamp on a photo four, five years old. That’s HALF A DECADE ago.

She emailed you.

Today, 8 hours ago

I like to change things up, depending on my mood and what I have to do each day. If I’m going to a band rehearsal I will probably rock the Joan Jett look, if I am teaching (which most days I am…) I dress like a teacher – trying not to look at all attractive so that the little boys don’t have crushes on me. I would probably say that I lean toward the goofy Star Wars pic of me though. That is me at heart. The rest is just part of the game.

So where are you from on the East Coast??

-Francine

1 HOURS LATER:

Today, 7 hours ago

I have to be honest, I don’t know why I am on this website. I have no interest in dating anyone. Well… at least my conscious mind is telling me that. Silly I know. You are totally right about all of those girl bass players. They rock! I just found out the other day that there is this woman bass player (Carol Kaye) that recorded soooo much stuff. She was the studio bass player for most of the Beach Boys albums. Crazy. – Francine

1 HOUR AFTER THAT:

She emailed you.

Today, 6 hours ago

I’m not really sure… maybe b/c I was burned so bad in my last relationship that I have no desire to be with anyone or perhaps it’s because I am convinced that I am going to be traveling soon and constantly have this unsettled feeling, or maybe I just haven’t met the right person. Who knows. Sorry!! Good luck with your search. You seem like an amazing guy, I just don’t want to lead you on.

On a whim, I bought a single ticket to see Tim Gunn lecture at USC last night (10/29/11). Tim was the Dean of Admissions when I was a student at Parsons and for some reason, he knew who I was. It’s been weird seeing him on billboards and the sides of buildings and on the Oprah Show (“Wasn’t I supposed to get famous? How did an administrator from my college get super famous?”)….

It’s funny, I was speaking to one of my best friends and she said, “Wow, that would have been an awesome thing to take a girlfriend or a date too.” Yes, it would have been, but at present I am in the ‘wrangling-first-dates’ stage of dating..but maybe that’s good place to meet young, single women — I might be the one of the few straight guys there.

Once I was inside the hall and directed to the general admission balcony upstairs, I realize, I’m sitting 2 rows behind a woman I kind of had a bad date with! At the rate I date and doing the things I like to do, it is inevitable I am going to run into someone I went out with and made a vague promise to about getting together again at the end of our uninspired or pained evening.

This woman was a woman I met on match, maybe in the spring — a woman who I actually agreed to be just ‘buddies’ with because she wanted a child (RIGHT NOW) but we had similar interests. So we met at a storytelling event.

Now when she called me to say she’s walking toward the line outside the storytelling event, I looked up to see this brunette in her late 20′s and a little beige blazer, tight jeans, her oversized bust bouncing as she’s strutting down the street, carrying a — wait for it — a BOOK. (The story about that girl will be be a whole other post), but then my brain realizes that can’t be the woman – she should be talking on the phone — to me — right now.

Then right behind her, is my “date” (well, “buddy date”), let’s call her ‘NoCal Hippie’. NoCal Hippie was really out of touch with the SoCal look (i.e. not looking like a middle-aged hippie) — Birkenstocks, frizzy, unkempt, salt and pepper hair in BRAIDS (????), that face peach fuzz so thick it looks like long blond jaw line sideburns, a men’s plaid shirt, no makeup, mid 40′s — she looked very ‘Pacific Northwest Organic-Might-Be-Gay.’ I had feeling her few Match pictures were misleading! At a distance or weird or flattering angles, I had ‘filled in’ the gasps and made her prettier than she was in my mind. So luckily this wasn’t a date!

But I couldn’t really get over the bait-and-switch and this OTHER hot girl — “Book Girl” was in line a few people behind me and it would have been easy to follow her in line and stand right behind her and chat her up, but I had this buddy date with NoCal Hippie.

Then NoCal Hippie gets an ORGANIC HOT DOG from the hot dog stand next to the line (which was the only food around — the place didn’t serve food), a big fat smelly, organic hot dog with sauerkraut and onions…

…and eats while we wait to enter and then I have to smell her organic hot dog breath for the rest of the night. And then when it was over I booked (I did manage to hit on ‘Book Girl’ during the evening without getting caught, but again, another story for another time) so fast. And never called or e-mailed her again.

And then I see her last night. Two rows in front of me.

I moved to the other side of the theater and sat close to the exit for a quick getaway, but when it ended, they were only having people exit from the exit on the other side, closer to where she was. Luckily, she left before me and I did not see her at all.

• Generally, people who are unattractive have more pictures of shit that is not them than them (pictures of their animals, mountains, flowers, travel photos).
• There are a lot of 50-somethings with 1 picture of themselves at 25 – 35 online. That’s like telling me what the weather was like on a Tuesday 20 years ago. I need to know what the weather will be like TODAY.
• People who have no picture like throwing $25 out the window every month.
• You can’t put your body type as “curvy” then only put pictures of your face. “Curvy” is not another word for “heavyset.” Curvy means you are thin(ner) in the middle.
• Guys hate your pixie cut. Yes, we know your girlfriends LOVE it. We hate it because it feels like we are kissing a 12 year old boy. One exception: if you are a model, you are the few that can pull this off. Your crazy height evens it out.   http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/11/02/michelle-williams-men-hate-my-hair-_n_1071489.html

• When you name your child ‘Tiffany’ you have sealed her fate.
• A woman saying how busy she is all over her profile makes my dick shrink.

This must happen to women all the time — men trying to sell them the romantic equivalent of The Brooklyn Bridge. You know, a proposal that feels a little hinky, a little off, pretty much a bad deal for anyone except the seller.

I’ve had a few of these offers in the last few months.

First, was the Mormon Girl — an adorable blond blue-eyed ex-Mormon I met at a BBQ this summer. On our first, fabulous date (she dressed up, was quite charmed by me), we had lunch when she sprung it on me that she “had a live-in boyfriend” (who she thought was gay) and was still married to her Mormon husband, but had broken up with him 5 years earlier.

(We started dating — well, getting intimate — when she said she started sleeping on the couch.)

But the problem was (well, one of them), she would not sleep over — or let her boyfriend know she was dating. And she lived an hour away. So I’d see her for 1/2 a day once a week. And then I found out that her and husband weren’t even separated and she couldn’t divorce him because “he was family.” Oh, and they hung out at his house EVERY EVENING. A piece of information I really could have used 7 weeks earlier.

So basically, she wanted to date me, but didn’t want to disrupt her “other life” (boyfriend / husband) — she wanted to live in the same house as the boyfriend, keep him the dark, hang out with her husband, keep him in the dark (he didn’t even know she lived with another man), wanted to sleep with me, but not sleep over — if you flipped the gender, I was basically The Mistress and my lover had a million excuses not to be with me for real (“What? I gotta leave my live in girlfriend? And move out? And move into an apartment? And divorce my ex wife who’s my ‘best friend’? Come on, that’s not fair to ask of me…”)

When I got upset about finding out about her husband’s daily hang outs and was bothered about she didn’t mention that at all in the 7 weeks we dated, she broke up with me (let the irony seep in like butter).

Then today, on Match.com, a GORGEOUS blond woman winks at me. Her screen-name was “BlondieAussie.”

Read her profile — she lives in Australia, but is here on holiday. And looking for an American guy. But has 2 kids. In Australia, I’m guessing. That she has “sometimes.” Which means there’s a dad Down Under. With joint custody.

So I e-mail her for clarification.

This is what comes back: “I love the states. If I made a connection with the right guy it would depend on what we both wanted to do. I would be happy to live in the states.

I have two daughters. 6 and 3 1/2. They are my shining stars. They came with me and had a blast. We stayed in Santa Monica and hung out in that area a lot. Getting to know a guy online is def not my preference however I am looking to find someone I connect with and if that is what it takes then so be it!”

So when I ask for even more clarity, regarding the kids and their dad and if she’s looking an American dude to move THERE (since there are two young kids involved), get this back:

OK so here it is – It is important for me and my career to keep moving forward and Sydney’s arts industry is very limited. I am looking to move OS. My sister, her husband, her son and now daughter are in LA and we are all very close so it seems like a good option.

I do have joint custody but I am the primary carer. Yes I would need a good reason to move permanently to the states and yes I would have to go through the legal system to do so. It may need planning but it is not impossible. OK it’s not as easy as picking up a Sydney guy in the local bar but I am not finding what I am looking for here so I am willing to make an effort to look further.

Okkkkkkkaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy…like I said, not much in it except for the seller.