7 months into a serious relationship, I’ve been having little epiphanies about my single life…perhaps I’ve gained some distance and wisdom on it, rather than reporting from the eye of the Dating Hurricane.

I believe a bad date happens because of at least one of 5 elements:

1. BAD INTEL: You go out with someone and you find you missed important info or weren’t given it. For instance, my friend was set up with a guy with a missing arm – and no one thought to give that poor girl a heads up, “Hey, by the way, he’s missing a major appendage. FYI.” That’s a severe example, but it can also be when someone posts unusually flattering pictures of themselves or their pictures are blurry, far away, in dark bars, etc. and you hope for the best (I’m sure she’s hot and she’s just had terrible, terrible luck being photographed)…which brings me to….
2. LACK OF DUE DILIGENCE: You didn’t vet this person enough before you agreed to a date. Maybe you didn’t talk to them on the phone and relied on your “text chemistry” or “e-mail banter” or how much you seemed to have in common (on paper). I had one of the worst dates with a girl who seemed perfect for me – quirky, young, into pop culture, but she had blurry / far away / sunglasses on / no smiling photos (see Rule #1 above) and we never talked before meeting. I could have caught her weird, socially awkward personality on the phone and wouldn’t have suffered through a painful, painful dinner I, of course, was on the hook for.
3. DIDN’T TRUST YOUR GUT: An acquaintance of mine had a terrible date with a guy who was verbally abusive and mean the entire night. When I asked if she talked on the phone with him, she said she did and there were no red flags. None at all. When I pressed her, she finally admitted he was really sarcastic when they had talked. Perfect example of ignoring a red flag. I talked to dozens of girls who were boring (but nice) and hoped for some kind of personality miracle when we met for coffee and it never happened. People don’t make huge personality shifts between the phone and in-person.
4. IGNORED STANDARD DATING PROCEDURES: Evan Marc Katz had a recent blog about the 10 worst dates people had and more than half could have been avoided by sticking to common sense stuff when meeting a stranger (especially a male stranger) – like always meet in a public place. Many of these people were coming over strange guys’ homes on date 1 or worse, inviting them over to their home (“So, if you don’t want to assault me on Date One, here’s where I live so you can do it at your convenience.”). One even robbed some lady in the middle of the night when he asked to sleep on the couch. In his blog, there were a lot of bad situations that wouldn’t have happened in Starbucks on a Saturday.
5. BAD SURPRISE: These are cases of just bad luck – wrong place, wrong time — just couldn’t have seen it coming. Like when my validation ticket failed and I couldn’t get out of a mall parking garage and cars were backing up behind me honking and my date shut down (granted, she could have been nicer about it) or when a date took me to a party where the host attacked me with garlic baked squash or when I met a girl at a diner and her devastatingly handsome ex-boyfriend (or ex-or-current lover – I couldn’t tell) happened to be seated next to me at the counter when she walked up and then was rattled to the core for our entire date…while he ate his meal right around the corner from our booth. And then came over to say goodbye. And they kissed on the lips.

The Manic Pixie Dream Girl: A stock character in films. Film critic Nathan Rabin, who coined the term after seeing Kirsten Dunst in Elizabethtown (2005), describes the MPDG as “that bubbly, shallow cinematic creature that exists solely in the fevered imaginations of sensitive writer-directors to teach broodingly soulful young men to embrace life and its infinite mysteries and adventures.”^[1] MPDGs are said to help their men without pursuing their own happiness, and such characters never grow up, thus their men never grow up.^{[2] A prime example is Natalie Portman‘s character in the movie Garden State, written and directed by Zach Braff.[1][2][3] Kate Hudson’s character, Penny Lane, in Almost Famous has been called a MPDG.[2]}

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A few months before I met R., I received an e-mail on Match whose headline read: “Your Profile Was So Funny, I Peed in My Pants. Seriously.”

That got my attention! And it was a technique I used too — a personalized, often long, subject headline.

Then I clicked on her profile.

She looked like a model. In ALL her pictures. I kept looking at the pics so see if they were old or photoshopped or what. Nope. They seemed legit. A 5’10, blond, blue-eyed, bone-structure-to-die-for, Brooklyn Decker / Heidi Klum-ish 33 year old. Never married. With no kids.

My DREAM GIRL.

And her profile was funny too. Quirky.

This is it. I hit the jackpot. A quirky girl who looked like a model.

After few hilarious e-mails back and forth, we talked on the phone. For 90 MINUTES. And it felt like 5 minutes.

Great, easy laugh. I think i even laughed really hard, which is rare.

We talked a few times before our date just because it was so much fun.

Some things came up in the convos: Never had a long term relationship. Even one that lasted THREE months (Hell, at least I’ve had that). Lived in a really bad, bad neighborhood in a studio apt. for the last 10 years. Had a job dog sitting.

Hmmmm.

Date 1: She meets me at a tiny sushi place in mid-Wilshire. Is GORGEOUS. Like wow-goregous. Sky blue eyes. Bee-stung pouty bottom lip. She was making MY DNA-TWITCH under my skin. Didn’t seem to know how to dress. Wore a bulky weird colored Cosby sweater, mom jeans and tennis sneakers. Her hair was long, but unkempt. Perhaps she dressed down so she didn’t get hit on and cause traffic accidents.

We had a lovely time. She was a bit nervous, but loosens up. I walk her to her car. I kiss her (I had to tippy toe it). She’s allowing me to kiss her but not really kissing me back. I suddenly stop and step back and say, ‘I bet if I drew you, it would look just like you.”

I don’t know why I say this, but it flips the script.

She gets all excited and opens her trunk and finds a pad of paper and a pen and wants me to draw her right now, in her car.

Okay, sure.

So we sit in the parked car and I draw her and talk just inches away from one another.

When I’m done, it sort of looks like her. It’s close — if I had a pencil, I could have made corrections.

I show the picture to her. She says, “It looks just like my mom!” (She was descended from the MAYFLOWER BTW)

Then suddenly we kiss again and everything clicks. We totally have a total make-out fest in her car.

TO BE CON’T.

I go out on a lot of first dates and I only ask out a few for a 2nd. I’m sure a lot of women have thought, “Oh, I thought we had a good time — I don’t get it….”

1. You Date-And-Switched-Me: You were deceiving with your pictures, mainly about a body part you wanted to downplay, most often a giant booty. Or bad teeth. I recognize the signs now — hiding behind friends in group photos, holding a coat in front of your frame, weird angles (from high above). And the multiple pictures of you smiling the Dustin Hoffman smile in close ups and ONE open mouthed smile, but a block away. Or you showed up with a pixie cut after your pics all have long hair.

2. You were really attractive — maybe even out of my league — but I didn’t see us as a couple. Mainly, because it felt at the end of the hour, we had exhausted the conversation. At minute 65 we would just be staring at each other. And day 65. Just not enough in common — enough to get us through a handful of e-mails, a 15 minute phone call and a 30 – 60 minute face to face, but then it just fell apart (for me). Our relationship had a 60-80 minute shelf-life.

3. You tapped out – You were so disappointed with me that you just went catatonic, stared at the table, muscled through the 30 – 60 minutes, answered in short answers, refused to verbally participate. It was like being on a date with Robert DeNiro in AWAKENINGS. You didn’t want me to ask you again anyway.

4. You openly didn’t give a shit – The woman who dressed for the gym (see previous post), the woman who met me while walking her dog; you dressed so causally it looked like you were going to mow the lawn — I could have been your future husband and you treated it as if I was just an errand you had to run on a Saturday.

5. You were nice and cute, but I didn’t see us kissing or getting passionate. When I tried to think about that, it was like trying to tune into a radio station that was out of range and all I got was static.

6. You smelled funny. I’m going to write a separate post just about this soon — You didn’t smell BAD, our chemistries didn’t mix (or you were wearing Patchouli oil or some Hippie shit). It hit me as soon as we hugged — you smelled OFF. Not bad, but off. Musky. I don’t know — I had a fun time with you and I loved your look, but my DNA was screaming “Nooooooooooooooo! Not this one!”

7. We kissed and….NOTHING. This is related to number 6 — I kissed you — maybe for a long while — and I felt NOTHING. No spark, no tingles, no erection. This is frustrating because I really liked you — and your look — but the chemistry isn’t there. It was like kissing a piece of paper.

8. You didn’t look as good as your pictures. You didn’t deceive me on purpose, but the pictures weren’t a good representation and you are probably unaware that you don’t look like the pictures you posted from your Mexico trip 3 years ago. Perhaps you’ve had some hardships (divorce, death of a parent, lost your house) and it shows, but in your mind you still think you look like you did only two years ago. Or there were things I didn’t notice / couldn’t have noticed — bad skin, an unusual amount of peach fuzz, looked older, grey-er, heavier.

9. You didn’t shut up. You might have had Aspergers (see previous post).

10. Bad breath – I have an earlier post about this — but this just assaults most of my senses. I remember I went out with a stunning, curvy Persian girl (who actually went into shut down mode — see #3) who’s breath was so bad, I had to keep myself from gagging and all the while imagined acid was being misted on the right side of my face as we talked.

10. A combo of any of the above.

(There’s so much insanity in this profile – I don’t even know where to begin. It does sound like she blew a great thing because she wanted to be taken care of AND cheat? WTF???? She’s 50, BTW.)

I have another site that my family helped me with since you can be anything on the internet you want to be, but this is the real me! 
This is difficult as I don’t really have any close friends to describe me and not easy to describe myself. I just moved back from Bend, OR where in 4 years I didn’t develop one friend other than my fiance.

He just took all of our kids on a private yacht in the Bahama’s this February and that made me smile alot! 

He’s a super nice man, but didn’t like me having other guys over for dinner when he was gone a week after our Bahamas trip and while we were planning to get married.

He’s given me $2000 in free counseling, but I’m not interested in figuring my life out or commitment right now…just moving on! 

I have 4 great kids and the last 3 are in various stages of college. My mom left us when I was 7 so have pretty much been on my own ever since after divorcing 12 years ago. 

I’m not interested in marriage or long-term relationship.

My fiance was a man who gave me everything including unconditional love that I’d never had, was going to fund me thru Grad School and pay for my kids college and loved me more that any man, but commitment and long-term relationship aren’t for me. I’m not really a one man woman.

The guy I’m looking for has to be flexible, a guy of means, some one who doesn’t mind me seeing other guys and accepting. 

Currently, I’m living with my sister in Manhattan Beach and sharing a bedroom with her and our mom lives with us and my sister’s 2 girls. I’m spending my dad’s inheritance until I can find a job, but have been unemployed for 6 months.

I’m trying to be positive, get my credit rating over 400 and out of debt. IMy sister and I go out to bars in South Bay area as her husband is currenty out of town and I’m trying Match as I lucked out and met my X fiance on this site. 
I love to laugh and don’t take much serious. 
I’m passionate about my kids.

I was matched with a girl named “Susie” on e-harm. (I like calling it “e-harm” instead of “e-harmony”). I think we made it through the “5 Questions of Death” and got to talk on the phone.

On the phone, she sounded like a 11 year old. You know, that tiny, mildly squeaky voice. And answers questions in short stacco bursts. And when I told a joke, it took a second for her to process it and then laugh, like when you tell a joke to a kid. You know, you can watch their brains figuring out the twist and then they go “Oh, ha ha ha.”

I didn’t know if we should get together, but she was super, super cute. 5 feet and a curvy little body. So I made plans to meet at a breakfast place near her house and left it on her VM. And then she called me back VERY EXCITED about the place I choose. Unusually excited.

CUT TO: The date. She’s 15 minutes late. And since was early, I had been sitting there for 20 minutes.

She shows up and she’s cute. And dressed like a kid. She had big white buttons on her jeans. Like she stole her pants from a Raggedy Ann doll. In fact, she’s the type of girl that would buy clothes with really big buttons. Or wear Blow Pop/Hello Kitty/SuperGirl T-shirts UN-ironically. Or overalls. It was hard to imagine her in a dress. And she had tiny little kid hands. What was not tiny was her bosom. She had a very adult bra-size. It was tough to process these two “ouvres” in my head.

It turns out she was excited about the place because she thought they had closed and they had choc. chip pancakes which she ordered and was very, very excited about. Like a kid would be. Like because they got choc. chip pancakes all was right in the world at that moment. It was kinda charming and made me uneasy at the same time. I felt like a Big Brother taking a Little Sister out for pancakes.

Conversation was tough as it sometimes is with an 11 year old. At the 35 minute mark, I said, “Well, my meter was going to run up” (which it was because she 15 mins late) and she suddenly looked sad.

“I can refill it…but while I’m gone you gotta come up with some questions to ask me, okay?” Somehow I didn’t sound like a dick when I said this.

I re-fill my meter and come back and sit down.

“What’s your favorite animal?”

For a second, I thought she was kidding. She wasn’t.

“I guess meerkats. I liked that show on Animal Planet — Meerkat Manor. Maybe 2nd, sloths. They are kinda popular now. After that Ellen show freakout with that blond actress.”

“Mine’s an elephant. And when I watch shows about elephants. I have to hold this elephant doll I have.”

Oh shit.

(TO BE CONT.)

I had an interesting date last night.

A woman had written me a very lovely, very flattering note on Match about a week ago. She was cute. Not traditionally beautiful, but really, really cute. A real girl next door. She even compared herself to the girl next door and Pam from ‘The Office’ in her profile. She had been a teacher.

We talked on the phone. It was okay — not bad, not great. Unremarkable. But okay. I think we even talked for 45 minutes. Aside from one story she told about teaching, I don’t recall anything else from our talk.

Now, a few days before I had first date with a 5’9 blonde (let’s call her “The Mayflower Girl”) and our first phone call was an HOUR TWENTY — and flew by. It was very sparky. And Mayflower and I even talked a couple more times before our date on Tues. Which was great. And we made out in her car.

I remember thinking to myself, “I should just ONLY go on dates with women I have THOSE kind of conversations with. Long, sparky talks.’ ‘Cause historically? Those women are the women who become my girlfriends. All the other she-was nice-enough-good-looking-enough-talk-was-okay ones really go nowhere. They just don’t.

So I meet this one last night in The Valley. Let’s call her ‘The Nice Teacher.’

She’s right on time. And looks like her pics. And we have a nice time. And it lasts for 90 minutes. And it’s fine.

But I keep looking at her and trying to figure out why I, well, why I don’t want to have sex with her.

She’s cute. And has a nice body. And nice hands. And a kind face. Blouse could have been nicer. And her hair could be longer (both easy tweaks). And she’s an easy laugher.

But every time I went to think of her naked or us having sex or kissing, it was like tuning into a radio station just out of range and all I was getting was all static.

And I was having trouble thinking of things to ask her. Usually I’m an ace at keeping the convo flowing, even to the point I feel like I’m giving CPR to a conversation — but I kept drawing a blank.

But she asks a lot of questions and seems interested in my anecdotes and answers.

I walk her to her car. She drives me to mine. I’m wondering if we are going to kiss. I land just right of her mouth.

I drive home and realize, ‘Huh, I think I’ve been out with women who probably have felt the same exact way about me — he’s cute, charming, good on paper, paid the check, but there’s just something missing I can’t put my finger on….I feel like I should give him another chance on principle, but I can’t deny my gut telling me to move on and wait for A SPARK with someone else….”

Today, I happened to hear a podcast where a young woman told a story about her father…

She had an appealing voice and personality so I looked her up. She’s an actress in LA with a great look — she looks like Meryl Streep’s daughter. Pretty, but not too pretty with a slight bit of quirk (I mean that in the best way possible)…

Step 2 – Find out if she has a boyfriend.

Found her blog, no clue there. Found her acting website. No clue there (the last line of her bio wasn’t like: “She lives happily in LA with her boyfriend and their 2 dogs Cheeto and Max.”).

Her Facebook page gave me nothing. No “In a relationship with”, no “In a relationship” and then I dug through her photos.

No vacation pics with any guy, no wedding/bridesmaid pics and her date in a suit, no pics of her and another guy (maybe she’s a part-time nun?). Then it occurred to me — well, someone’s taking all these pictures….and then a clue…

There was a group pic of her standing next to a tall, swarthy vague-y handsome guy who had his arm around her (there were a smattering of dudes posing with her in other pics, even an arm around her waist, but wasn’t picking up “She’s mine!” vibe from them) — a guy I recognized from being in her acting reel.

I click on HIS page and VOILA! It says “In a relationship with Rebecca________________”

Now….WTF? Why does he have it posted and she has NOTHING?????? No indicator of anything? Ladies? Insight me!

UPDATE: I looked at the date of the pictures of the two of them and THEY GO BACK at least TWO YEARS. So they are BF and GF for at least two years — that seems pretty serious to me….so to have her have NOTHING about him being her BF seems conspicious…

Found on Match today:

On match not to date. I am too ill to leave the iv room at Dr. Harirs’s office most days. on here as a last ditch effort to see if anyone knows of an exceptional treatment that deals with life saving crisis’s of infectious disease that may help save my life. My life has taken a horrific turn this year and no ability to care for myself right now, and I have been in and out of ER and Hospitals this year more times than you can count. In Redwood city now seeing the top Lyme doctors on the West coast and still struggling. I am only getting worse day by day and we have no idea how much longer I even have on the planet. 350 plus vials of blood tests, and 60 MD doctors and naturopaths and counting. My body is failing quickly hard to walk,stand, think, and breathe clearly. I now have a picc line placed in my arm that goes near my heart for fluids and oxygen tank. I am batteling a severe case of Chronic Neuro Lyme disease, Mycoplasma, Babesia, Bartonella, and arsenic poisoning to the added list of blood labs. Severely weak and body will not hydrate on its own without IV or stop peeing most days. The letters help me smile and finding out so many others have struggled through this too. The dream that keeps me fighting is to be healed and educate others since it is the fastest growing disease in the US. In the mean time I am limited on the small amount of email I can return since my arm and hand are swollen. I return only a bare few emails in-between my sickness episodes,doctors, iv’s,treatments, etc. if they are doctor related. Cannot dirve, cannot go on dates. Have to have 24/7 care. Lyme is everywhere and is transferred by most insect bites now days and not just ticks. If you know of anyone who has truly been in remission of severe Chronic Neuro Lyme with babesia and severe life threatening conditions please let me know which doctor they used. Have been to endless naturopathic doctors, and tried every herb, product, MRS, rife, biophoton machine,gcmaf, kangen water,silver, you can probably come up. While I appreciate people offering support via phone I need in person support/care the most. No hospital in the US will treat this disease once chronic. Not even Mayo due to the politics. Watch the movie Under Our Skin to learn more. Most clinics do not treat patients on life support either as I have been dropped by several doctors when my body goes toxic from all the antibiotics they prescribe. Almost every doctor in San Diego I have been to and 6 lyme literate ones. Your stories of your own struggles are touching and wish I had the strength to write each one of you back to let you know I “get it” and have empathy for anyone who has dealt with this in their life or losing family members to horrific diseases I wish I could stop. I had cancer 12 yrs ago and that was easy compared to this. My photos were taken last year except one recent one in the past week hooked to IV.

This is too good not to write about…I sorta obsessively check the ‘Who’s Viewed You’ feature on match.com — I’m always fascinated with what I find….

Yesterday there was a 46 year old redhead from North Carolina who has 3 kids who “sometimes live at home” and who smokes “but is trying to quit” (yeah, right….and a 46 year old redhead who’s been smoking for 20+ years — that can’t be good…)

Anyway, it’s her pictures that I love (for all the wrong reasons)…. here’s the first:

Okay, I want you to notice a few things…

1) the scan lines from a scanner/printer. (I adjusted them in Photoshop so they are easier to see)…so this is an actual photo SCANNED.

2) The camera she is holding is NOT a digital camera. It’s an old fashioned film camera (see how thick it is). So this photo is about 10 years old. And she does look about 34 – 36 in the pic.

Here’s the 2nd picture…where is she probably 21 years old. 26 tops. She could be 19.

Now here’s my favorite….

A picture of her and her (once) happy family!!!! The black bars are mine, BTW. The dude wasn’t even cut out. And also notice the 2nd picture was taken the same day as this one (same shirt, pants, earrings).

And I realized that baby? He’s / She’s PROBABLY 20 YEARS OLD now. He’s/She’s probably had his own baby!!!!

One of the few things my parents really did right was spring for braces when I was 12 – 14. I have a great smile (my LA ex called them “TV teeth”) — not too toothy (think Denzel), but just right. I think I’ve won over some women just from my smile.

What I don’t understand is why other people my own age have terrible, terrible teeth — I’ve been on dates with women who make mid five figures – to 6 figures and they have the teeth of a hobo. I mean, for about 5 grand and a year to two years that could totally be taken care of. And there’s Invisaline too! Hell, Tom Cruise got braces!

I mention this because there are people aware of this problem and try and bait and switch you on dating sites. For instance, this attractive blond last night wrote me a lovely, lovely personalized letter. She referenced a lot of things in my own profile and was funny….and then I clicked on her pictures.

Now, she had SEVEN pictures. Five of them were close up of her face. Great. BUT she was smiling that closed-mouth Dustin Hoffman smile in ALL five.

And in the last two she was smiling open mouthed, but it was far away AND blurry. In the one last blurry one, I could tell something bad was going on — buck, horse-y teeth…

I hate to sound so judgemental, but it’s really the one thing I can’t get past look-wise (maybe like some women can’t get past the height thing)….

Plus, I don’t like the bait-and-switch aspect of it — she’s aware of the problem but hiding it from guys until it’s too late.

I don’t know if I should write back — she works at a studio 55+ hours a week so I might use that as my out…