Sometimes people have Aspergers. Sometimes I end up on dates with them.

Yesterday I talked on the phone with a really cute, nerdy girl who had I been e-mailing and IM’ing on match — once we started talking, the red flags began to go up — she began to take over the convo (“Where do you live? I live in Silver Lake!”) get really excited about small details (“There’s all these handwritten signs around here and a guy with no teeth who sells corn from a trash can he wheels around on a cart and also…”)

Uh-oh. I think she asked me one question in a 25 minute conversation — where I lived.

And when I got off the phone it started to make sense more — especially her job, academic researcher. And she sounded like a hyper 12 year old, not a 35 year old woman.

Anyway, that wasn’t the worst one.

In early 2010, I went out with a woman who was a well established film director in her native county (actually kind of famous, like had magazine articles written about her) — we had talked before meeting and she did talk a lot and wasn’t picking up my vocal cues but I just chalked it up to her being nervous and the Skype we were using instead of the phone.

We met at a cafe in Venice — and she was very striking — and tall — BUT TALKED NON-STOP FOR AN HOUR AND FIVE MINUTES. And maybe asked me one thing (that had a short answer). The last 15 minutes were her telling me EVERY DETAIL about the new screenplay she was writing. So LA. Sooooo Asspergers. It felt like my face was on a stairmaster — just the barrage of little words.

I drove her to her car where I noticed she seemed to want to kiss me and that she had what seemed to be a small cold sore growing on her lip. I hugged her, she got out and I drove home and took a nap.

The sad part is, MONTHS LATER (like 4 or 5), she e-mailed me a long-ish letter (a couple of paragraphs) and asked me if I wanted to be FRIENDS. This just crushed me. This girl is so alone, so lonely, she reaches out to a guy who didn’t call her for 2nd date months earlier?

I didn’t know if I should reach out with a polite, no thanks (where would I begin?). I was dating someone at the time and ran it past her and she said forget it.

So I did. I still feel a little bad.

I’ve been online dating for 15 years (Match.com and my anniversary is this Saturday — maybe I’ll get silver!) — the ONE thing I can’t figure out how to do (without sounding like an asshat) is NOT ask someone out at the end of a bad conversation.

‘Cause if there’s one thing I’ve learned is BAD PHONE NEVER turns into GREAT DATE. Or even GOOD date. Ever.

Bad phone = Bad date.

OK phone = OK date.

Great phone often = Great date. (If they looked like their pictures)

Often, I find myself agreeing to go on date if the phone call was marginally okay, but they NEVER became my girlfriend and rarely a 2nd date.

But there are conversations sooooooooooooo shitty (doesn’t get my sense of humor, they are multi-tasking and half listening, they are BORING — “Um, so what else?” they’ll ask after I’ve done all the ‘heavy lifting’ to 10 minutes.)

And I feel like such an asshole going, “Yeah, we should get together, let me check my calendar and ring you back.” Or something like that.

Recently, one call was so awful, at the end of a PAINFUL 10 minutes, I said, “Can I call you back, my blood sugar is dropping.” (which it was or her lack of conversational skills was physically causing me discomfort). And later that evening got an angry note on Match from her saying “Great excuse! I should try it myself!” I almost wrote her back: But really? Did you want to go out with me? Did you really want more of the shitty time we were having? You want MORE of that?”

And there’s the being honest route. “Hey, I know we just talked for 10 – 30 minutes and I’m not feeling it and want to wish you the best of luck.”

The few people who have done that to me — God, it felt shitty — like a punch in the face. It felt rude, hasty, not kind.

Maybe I should send an e-mail that says that within a day or two? Thoughts anyone? Anyone?

A few months ago, I got a strange e-mail on Match. This is all it said:

You’re cute and fun and I’d like to make out with you, no kidding. Are you up for it? – Patty

You don’t get many of these. And I don’t know what to make of it — does she just send this to a million guys and see who bites?

I look at her 3 pictures — she’s cute and looks a lot like Pam from ‘The Office’ (my celebrity crush), but there’s one picture where she looks older and less attractive than the others.

Then I look closer at the pictures I like — they don’t look like photos of a 45 year old (which she says she is), they are definately the pics of a woman in her 30′s. Early to mid 30′s. Upon closer inspection, like I’m working at a CSI Dating Crime Lab, I can tell they are photos from A FILM CAMERA. Like with grain. And not from a digital camera. So…these pics are AT LEAST ten years old.

Then she starts IM’ing me on Match while I’m analyzing these vintage photos and she keeps complimenting my looks and every time I try and change the subject, she keeps coming back to making it flirty. After a few minutes, she IMs her phone # and asks me to call.

I shouldn’t. I really shouldn’t. But I call.

And her voice is TERRIBLE. Warbly and off-key like the voice of an old lady. Like Mrs. Howell from Gilligan’s Island. But deeper. And drunk. Like a drunk tranny imitating Mrs. Howell at West Hollywood Halloween party.

Very quickly in, she starts talking dirty. And I change the subject.

“So…who do people say you look like?”

“When I was younger, people said I looked like Linda Ronstadt.”

Whaaaaaaaaaat? Red flags are dropping all around me. Linda Ronstadt? A reference from 1983? That’s her celebrity look-a-like? And it’s 27 year old reference?

Then:

Her: “I want to tea bag you.”

Me: What? What’s that again? (I thought only guys did that)

Her: You get your balls lightly sucked. (sluring) Do you like to have your balls lightly sucked?

Me: Um, yeah, I don’t have a reference point for that…actually.”

Her: “I am making you uncomfortable?”

Me: “Look, I’m just a Jewish kid from Philadelphia — no one prepared me for this.”

And I weaseled myself off the phone.

(I had asked this woman in the first 3 minutes of the phone conversation to stop putting her dishes away, which was drowning out our talk and then later I sincerely APOLOGIZED before we got off the phone for “scolding her about the dishes” and then she THANKED ME for telling her to stop because it “helped her stop spinning after a bad day.”) It was not a “belligerent tantrum” or an “outburst” — it was a bit snappy, admittedly.

then a few days later (this AM, I get this) — we had talked since this too (and she accepted a 2nd date from me a couple days later):

Dear David,

I wanted to let you know that I won’t be able to see you on Friday so that you can make other plans for your evening. I’ve been thinking about how your outburst during our first conversation on Monday made me feel and I realized I’m not looking forward to meeting you, in fact, I feel rather apprehensive about it. I shouldn’t have called you that night- I’d had too frantic a day and still hadn’t unpacked my groceries or made dinner for myself, and I was very hungry, but I wanted to give you the courtesy of returning your call in a timely manner, so I called you. I just wanted to have a brief conversation, but you had other plans, and you expected me to adhere to your rules and ideas about how the conversation should be, without regard to what my needs or feelings might have been at that moment. You threw a belligerent tantrum because you weren’t getti ng 100% of my attention and it rattled me so that I forgot myself. Later, I felt bad about myself for giving in to your pushiness, and for so swiftly putting my own needs aside- and for what? I don’t even know if I want to be your friend let alone lover or partner. I’ve spent YEARS of my life giving myself completely over to the needs of men who had NO reciprocal consideration toward me, and I’m VERY weary of it. Perhaps this was an isolated incident and you never would act this way again, but in my experience, men TELL you who they are right away by their behavior and the only fools are the women who don’t listen or who make excuses and pretend that men don’t mean what they are saying. So I’m sorry if you’re disappointed but I’d rather end our connection. I hope you understand.

I wish you the best of luck in your search on Match.

Alison

This I can’t figure out for the life of me.

About 7 weeks ago (11.3.10 to be exact), I went out for lunch across the street from my apartment. On my way back with take-out, I pass this woman who I immediately recognize from Match.

I recognize her because she’s been on it for at least a year — maybe two — and she and I even exchanged some friendly e-mails about a year earlier. And she was “on” a lot — always active within “24 hours.” She was pretty stunning and I couldn’t understand why she couldn’t find a boyfriend for the year or two she was constantly trolling the site.

And she was just as stunning in person — curvy — built like the number ’8′ — just a hair taller than me. Super tight jeans, high heels, sexy as all hell. And then she starts walking in the direction I’m going, just a few feet in front of me.

Then we are side by side at the corner, waiting for the light, which is a long one. A two minute light if you miss it.

I don’t want to say, “Hey, I know you from Match” — that seems incredibly invasive and I didn’t want to embarrass or throw her.

So I turn to her, smile and say “Hi.” I’m wearing sunglasses and doctor scrubs.

“Hi,” she says, a bit defensively.

The light changes and we cross and she trots off in her heels, down the other block, playing with her iPhone.

I immediately rush home (3 buildings away) and race to my office and get on Match. It says she’s “ON” and you can IM her. Maybe she’s recognized me. (Who checks Match on the street, headed for your car?)

I IM her. Nothing. Later in the day, I send her an e-mail saying I said “hi” to her on the street only hours before.

I get this back within 15 minutes:

Holy shit! She felt “something”! She almost talked to me!!!! I was on cloud 9.

I reply. Then….NOTHING.

I call her a couple of days later. NOTHING.

What the hell, I try again about a week later. NOTHING.

I give up.

Then today, I see her on Match and I click on her profile.

Same headline. No new pictures. She’s been on in “24 hours”. She’s 47 now, not 46. Then I read the/a new intro:

“I am finally of (sic) this site! Got married on December 11th to the most amazing man ever! Came out of nowhere and straight into my heart. I can’t say that I am going to miss this at all… Good luck in your search for true love. I am so blessed to have found it ”

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WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT?

But she’s still on Match.com? Didn’t close out the account or hide the profile (at the very least)?

And still checking the site ‘within 24 hours’ — 14 days after being married?????????) She got married 7 weeks after giving me her #?

Anyone have any ideas what this is about?

Finally, an interesting candidate popped up in my “daily matches” – unusually attractive (especially for e-harmony) – Andrea looked like Kate Beckinsale. She was definitely different – her main photo was a (really sexy) picture of her SNARLING and she was sharp and funny (“Is there anyone on here not into their dogs and Jesus?” she wrote). She seemed way more LA or NY than El Paso, where she lived.

Almost immediately we had bypassed the Q & A and were trading witty e-mails and sharing our favorite weird e-harmony profile quotes.

A phone call followed and when I asked why El Paso and she hesistantly revealed that she had returned there (her hometown) after SHE HAD BEEN ABDUCTED BY A SERIAL KILLER.

From what I could put together from that conversation and others that followed, her car had broken down in the middle of the night during a cross country trip, this guy had pulled up in his truck (or trailer), hog tied her, threatened her with a gun and that she had at some point, jumped out of his moving vehicle. She was able to testify against him and put him in jail for a long time and that he had been a suspect in the disappearence of two other girls.

I know what you’re thinking – RUN!!!!! But she was quirky, hot and, goddamn, had a good story.

We ended up talking on the phone about 3 hours a week (usually two 1.5 hour phone calls) and I mailed her a T-shirt I had designed. She encouraged me to visit.

Coincidentally, I had a campaign for my business coming up in El Paso. It didn’t require me to go, but I thought I could do some work on it and have my company pay for the trip.

So in October of 2009, I booked a flight.

After a day of driving around this dump of a desert town on the border of Mexico with a temp I had hired, Andrea came to my hotel.

She was as striking as her pictures, just as tall as I was, thin with shockingly blue eyes and brown hair. We hit it off almost instantly.

At dinner, I had my first Mojito (I must admit, El Paso had good Mojitos) and ended up getting a bit tipsy.

Andrea drove me back to my hotel and I remember us laughing as we tumbled into my room.

Once inside the room, we got on the bed and kissed and at one point, she actually pinned me down as if to confirm she could take me if something went wrong with this stranger from L.A. But there was something holding her back – I mean, even though we kissed, it was more like me kissing her than a mutual thing.

At some point, to relax her, I said, “You know things will go a lot easier if you just trust me.”

But my words had the opposite effect – her whole face blanched.

“What? What is it?”

“That’s exactly what the serial killer said the night he picked me up.”

Okay, what are the odds you meet someone online who’s been kidnapped by a serial killer and YOU END UP QUOTING THEM??????

Finally, I was able to get her off the ceiling and we just kissed and held each other in the dark like two animals in a cold burrow.

A half-Asian woman who grew up in the UK e-mails me on Match.com. Very cute, but a strange and dense profile — it was like reading a really hard book — a little pretentious, very wordy.

I e-mail her back and get her number at some point. I ring her, but caught her on the way to class — she taught at UCLA and she asked if she could call me back in 90 minutes? Sure, of course.

Almost exactly ninety minutes later, she rings back.

“Hey,” I say.

Then she says, “Is this the morgue?”

I look at the caller ID — it’s definitely the girl I just called. I’m waiting for her to go, “Just kidding, it’s Kate,” but she doesn’t. Not even in the very small window where you would say that. She just stays silent.

“No…” she forces me to say.

Now she really has to break. She must. She doesn’t.

“Are you sure?” She says teasingly. “I’ve got a dead body here.”

At this point, I’m totally stumped. And creeped out. Who greets an absolute stranger like this? On the phone? I really have no words.

“David? It’s me, Kate!”

“I thought so…”

“Didn’t you think that was funny? That was really funny.”

“Hmmmm….I don’t know.”

“C’mon, that was really funny.”

“Um, I used to be a stand-up comic and if what you say makes the other’s person’s stomach feel weird, it’s not really landing.”

“I still think it was really, really funny.”

She proceeded to FINALLY get off the topic of insisting it was funny and then we tried to have a normal conversation, but it was just misery — awkward silences, stilted small talk — it felt like that scene in a horror movie when the serial killer wants you to ‘play house’ with them and wants to have a nice normal conversation with them over dinner, but doesn’t understand why you can’t stop shivering and sobbing even though he’s cooking your mom’s head on the stove.

Finally after an excruciating seven and half minute phone call — I remember just looking at the phone’s clock — she goes, “Well, I’m sure you’re probably busy…”

“Yeah, I should get back.”

Lesson learned: Jesus, whatever you do, ladies, don’t be creepy.

Here’s something that I’ve haven’t seen in any dating blogs or books — multi-tasking / distracted during that first phone call.

I’ve had a handful of first phone calls go straight into the shitter because the woman is clearly not focused on getting to know me / answering my questions because she’s…

• Calling me from the dog park (“Buster! Stop it! Buster! What? Hold on [to someone else now], it’s a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel — thank you! [back to me], I’m sorry, David, what did you — wait — Buster!“)
• At the airport, at the gate, about to board a plane (“Boarding Zones 1, 2 and any passengers with small children” blaring in the background)
• Pumping gas/shopping/ordering coffee
• Driving, clearly in a rush to get somewhere
• Driving their dog to the vet to get a chemo treatment (true story)
• Driving in bad rain

Then it seems like we don’t have chemistry than it is that she’s not focused and the conversation really suffers — there’s more awkward pauses, more short answers, more struggling for topics…

And many times, they’ve called me from these places, rather than me catching them at a bad time.

Or if I catch them at a bad time, they don’t take my “Did-I-catch-you-at-a-bad-time” window (“Take it! Take it!” I’m thinking, then she’s like “No, it’s fine…” in between small sobs while driving Muffin to get chemo)

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The best 1st phone calls I’ve had are when they are at home, just focusing on the conversation, just focusing on me and me on them…