7 months into a serious relationship, I’ve been having little epiphanies about my single life…perhaps I’ve gained some distance and wisdom on it, rather than reporting from the eye of the Dating Hurricane.

I believe a bad date happens because of at least one of 5 elements:

1. BAD INTEL: You go out with someone and you find you missed important info or weren’t given it. For instance, my friend was set up with a guy with a missing arm – and no one thought to give that poor girl a heads up, “Hey, by the way, he’s missing a major appendage. FYI.” That’s a severe example, but it can also be when someone posts unusually flattering pictures of themselves or their pictures are blurry, far away, in dark bars, etc. and you hope for the best (I’m sure she’s hot and she’s just had terrible, terrible luck being photographed)…which brings me to….
2. LACK OF DUE DILIGENCE: You didn’t vet this person enough before you agreed to a date. Maybe you didn’t talk to them on the phone and relied on your “text chemistry” or “e-mail banter” or how much you seemed to have in common (on paper). I had one of the worst dates with a girl who seemed perfect for me – quirky, young, into pop culture, but she had blurry / far away / sunglasses on / no smiling photos (see Rule #1 above) and we never talked before meeting. I could have caught her weird, socially awkward personality on the phone and wouldn’t have suffered through a painful, painful dinner I, of course, was on the hook for.
3. DIDN’T TRUST YOUR GUT: An acquaintance of mine had a terrible date with a guy who was verbally abusive and mean the entire night. When I asked if she talked on the phone with him, she said she did and there were no red flags. None at all. When I pressed her, she finally admitted he was really sarcastic when they had talked. Perfect example of ignoring a red flag. I talked to dozens of girls who were boring (but nice) and hoped for some kind of personality miracle when we met for coffee and it never happened. People don’t make huge personality shifts between the phone and in-person.
4. IGNORED STANDARD DATING PROCEDURES: Evan Marc Katz had a recent blog about the 10 worst dates people had and more than half could have been avoided by sticking to common sense stuff when meeting a stranger (especially a male stranger) – like always meet in a public place. Many of these people were coming over strange guys’ homes on date 1 or worse, inviting them over to their home (“So, if you don’t want to assault me on Date One, here’s where I live so you can do it at your convenience.”). One even robbed some lady in the middle of the night when he asked to sleep on the couch. In his blog, there were a lot of bad situations that wouldn’t have happened in Starbucks on a Saturday.
5. BAD SURPRISE: These are cases of just bad luck – wrong place, wrong time — just couldn’t have seen it coming. Like when my validation ticket failed and I couldn’t get out of a mall parking garage and cars were backing up behind me honking and my date shut down (granted, she could have been nicer about it) or when a date took me to a party where the host attacked me with garlic baked squash or when I met a girl at a diner and her devastatingly handsome ex-boyfriend (or ex-or-current lover – I couldn’t tell) happened to be seated next to me at the counter when she walked up and then was rattled to the core for our entire date…while he ate his meal right around the corner from our booth. And then came over to say goodbye. And they kissed on the lips.

The Manic Pixie Dream Girl: A stock character in films. Film critic Nathan Rabin, who coined the term after seeing Kirsten Dunst in Elizabethtown (2005), describes the MPDG as “that bubbly, shallow cinematic creature that exists solely in the fevered imaginations of sensitive writer-directors to teach broodingly soulful young men to embrace life and its infinite mysteries and adventures.”^[1] MPDGs are said to help their men without pursuing their own happiness, and such characters never grow up, thus their men never grow up.^{[2] A prime example is Natalie Portman‘s character in the movie Garden State, written and directed by Zach Braff.[1][2][3] Kate Hudson’s character, Penny Lane, in Almost Famous has been called a MPDG.[2]}

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A few months before I met R., I received an e-mail on Match whose headline read: “Your Profile Was So Funny, I Peed in My Pants. Seriously.”

That got my attention! And it was a technique I used too — a personalized, often long, subject headline.

Then I clicked on her profile.

She looked like a model. In ALL her pictures. I kept looking at the pics so see if they were old or photoshopped or what. Nope. They seemed legit. A 5’10, blond, blue-eyed, bone-structure-to-die-for, Brooklyn Decker / Heidi Klum-ish 33 year old. Never married. With no kids.

My DREAM GIRL.

And her profile was funny too. Quirky.

This is it. I hit the jackpot. A quirky girl who looked like a model.

After few hilarious e-mails back and forth, we talked on the phone. For 90 MINUTES. And it felt like 5 minutes.

Great, easy laugh. I think i even laughed really hard, which is rare.

We talked a few times before our date just because it was so much fun.

Some things came up in the convos: Never had a long term relationship. Even one that lasted THREE months (Hell, at least I’ve had that). Lived in a really bad, bad neighborhood in a studio apt. for the last 10 years. Had a job dog sitting.

Hmmmm.

Date 1: She meets me at a tiny sushi place in mid-Wilshire. Is GORGEOUS. Like wow-goregous. Sky blue eyes. Bee-stung pouty bottom lip. She was making MY DNA-TWITCH under my skin. Didn’t seem to know how to dress. Wore a bulky weird colored Cosby sweater, mom jeans and tennis sneakers. Her hair was long, but unkempt. Perhaps she dressed down so she didn’t get hit on and cause traffic accidents.

We had a lovely time. She was a bit nervous, but loosens up. I walk her to her car. I kiss her (I had to tippy toe it). She’s allowing me to kiss her but not really kissing me back. I suddenly stop and step back and say, ‘I bet if I drew you, it would look just like you.”

I don’t know why I say this, but it flips the script.

She gets all excited and opens her trunk and finds a pad of paper and a pen and wants me to draw her right now, in her car.

Okay, sure.

So we sit in the parked car and I draw her and talk just inches away from one another.

When I’m done, it sort of looks like her. It’s close — if I had a pencil, I could have made corrections.

I show the picture to her. She says, “It looks just like my mom!” (She was descended from the MAYFLOWER BTW)

Then suddenly we kiss again and everything clicks. We totally have a total make-out fest in her car.

TO BE CON’T.

Been dating someone for 7 weeks. It’s going really well.

Met on Match (I wrote to her — she wrote back pretty quickly). Had a 90 minute first phone conversation (where she wasn’t doing dishes, riding her bike* or pumping gas and shit).

First date: She dressed up (wore an off the shoulder white wrappy top, did her hair and wore make-up — OMG!!!!) and let me kiss her on the mouth at the end of that first great date (she later said she saw “stars” and could have “floated to her car.”)

Didn’t / doesn’t play games. Is so warm. Is very complimentary. Is mucho affectionate. Is easy going. Is drama free. An easy laugher. Forgiving of my quirks / vocal tics (my frequent catch phases, imitating Denzel Washington). Has time to date someone (had 3 dates within two weeks, maybe less). Is not a Prickly. Isn’t obsessed with her cat/animal. Looked like her pictures.

Was on Match 3 weeks before I wrote to her. Was on Match in total 6 weeks before we went exclusive. With her looks and personality there’s no reason she had to be on Match for longer than 2 months to find someone (she went on a lot of dates too).

Had our first fight the other day after a trip to the mountains (see photo), but we worked it / toughed it out, talked it through, reflected on it, learned more about where my “red zone” was and are closer for it….

It’s new ground for me….something REAL.

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*Turns out she actually knows that woman — and says she’s CRAZY. And is afraid of her.

Back in the pre-internet / pre-e-mail days, getting a number meant nothing.

You had no other option but to ask for a woman’s number and unless she said “Actually, let me get your number” (which meant she didn’t like you, duh) you got a number.

I imagine it was much easier to give a guy your number and then just ignore his message when he rang then say ”No, sorry, not interested” (most women were never, ever that mean — to your face) or deliver the ‘no-let-me-get-yours’ salve.

It meant so little that when I got a woman’s number, I would wait a day or two, then call it, leave a message (on an answering machine!!!) and then immediately throw it in the trash so I wouldn’t bother her again (and so I wouldn’t be reminded of her / the rejection / be tempted to ring it again).

I say all this because until recently I would get really, really annoyed when I would exchange a bunch of promising e-mails with a woman online, ask for number, get it (often with an encouraging note to call), call it and then get blown off (no returned phone call).

I found this rude, especially when they could have just faded away / ignored me when I asked for their number. The medium’s perfect for that, unlike a face-to-face.

I would just imagine them listening to my message and then snorting in disgust and/or immediately deleting.

BUT ALL OF THAT WAS IN MY HEAD.

Then I realized I had my own dating rule floating around in my brain no one knew / could know about: “Women who don’t call you back after they give you their number on Match are rude, insincere, game players, not serious about finding someone” etc.

When I took myself out of the equation and stopped taking their unresponsiveness personally, I understood that getting the number still / just means nothing — the women are still in a state of PRE-INTEREST. I was putting much more weight on it than women are / do.

They might of have lost interest, didn’t like my voice, started dating someone else, Googled me when my name came up and found this public radio story I told about dating, got busy, meant to call me back but then a guy they liked more reached out, who freakin’ knows.

And like the El Paso girl once told me, “The right woman will think, ‘Whoa, whoa — I have to do everything in my power not to let David / this guy get away.”

Trauma Bond (noun).

You know when you see a guy who’s like a 5 or 6 or 7 and he’s with a 8 or 9 or 10 and you wonder ‘What the hell happened here?’

She might have wanted a baby RIGHT NOW and he seemed like a good provider and would be a good dad and she was tired of dating and she gave up a bunch of superficial stuff (“He has to be as hot as me”) for it.

Or….

He was in the right place at the right time, meaning she was tired of dating hot guys / bad boys (AND also maybe wanted a baby) and decided to give a “Maybe Guy” a try, BUT what happened was a trauma in her life — her mom got sick / died; she had an illness herself or broke her leg; she lost her job; her dog was hit by a bus and that guy — who she had basically forced herself to go on dates with — had an opportunity to slip into HERO MODE and won her over in the process (brought over chicken soup, held her at her mom’s wake).

They also tend to get engaged and married pretty quickly (see the blog I wrote about The Ann-Margaret look-a-like — perfect example of this phenomena)

There was a Seinfeld about this — “I’ll be there for her and then, I’ll just be there.” (the Debra Messing character was going through a divorce)

The Grand Gesture. This is such a dating No-No.

And one I’ve been guilty of…many, many times. Even up to five years ago.

What is The Grand Gesture?

It’s when you demonstrate your interest in someone you barely know by doing something BIG and SHOWY to try and WIN THEM OVER.

But usually spooks the shit out of them instead.

Usually guys will buy something expensive and they think will “flip it” — way before it’s appropriate to be “gifting.” It’s usually jewelry, but it can be something they hand-made (guilty!) and mailed (double guilty) or left at their door or sent to their work (ahem, guilty again), or something unique based on the woman’s interest (“I know — I’ll get her favorite childhood book autographed by the dying author!”  – ugh…guilty again). It can even be surprising her at a show she’s performing in. Even though we only had one date. And she didn’t want a second.

Something that screams, “I LIKE YOU SO MUCH — PLEASE LIKE ME BACK JUST AS MUCH!!!!! PLEASE!!!”

This comes from such a very needy and ‘masculine insecure’ place, it usually makes vaginas scared and sad for you.

But why does this happen if it’s so misguided and ineffective?

Movies and TV tell us it works. It doesn’t. Remember this asshole?

If this guy showed up at your house (you being the hottest girl in high school and this a weird outcast maybe with Aspergers who’s really into kick-boxing), you’d call the COPS. Seriously.

Some examples:

- An older rich guy tracked down a friend of mine who she had one date with and FED EX’ed her a diamond bracklet. With no return address. I helped her track down an office address to send it back to him. At 50, I was astounded that this guy still thinks this stupid “I’ll-Buy-and-Ambush-You-With-Shiny Thing,-You-Love-Me-Now” works.

- After a woman I was really into got a stomach ache on a date with me, I custom made a “First Date” first-aid kit with Pepto Bismol and some other trinkets and mailed it to her office.

Did she love it / the attention? TOTALLY.

Did it get me laid? OMG, NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Even a kiss? Not even fuckin’ close. Has she dated other guys and had sex and fuck buddies in the last five and half years since I did that? Oh, yeah. Would she have dated / had sex with me if I hadn’t tried to buy her affection with some stupid ‘I’m-Not-Enough’ gesture? Maybe. At least getting it on with me would have been in the realm of possibilities.

Once I offered TRINKETS instead of MANHOOD, I blew it.

Boys and Man-Boys, the Dating Daredevil says don’t do this.

I was speaking to a woman I dated very briefly years ago and with whom I am now good friends. To my relief she said, “I don’t think you’ve had any ‘That one got away’ girls” —  the girl who was perfect for me but I was too stupid, too young, too immature (different from being ‘too young’, although there is some overlap) and just blew it.

The closest I had was Mia, the 25 year old Italian girlfriend I had when I was 35.

But I didn’t blow it with Mia in any big or obvious way (if I did at all) — I met her about 2 – 3 months before she had to go back to Italy (and took her to Hawaii during that time), invited her back months later to Philly and NYC for my brother’s wedding (where she saw her first Broadway show) where she stayed for about 3 weeks and then came back for 2 weeks a few months later…and then, basically, never came back…. she just didn’t want to be far from her parents and her studies and her new career….

Aside from that, there hasn’t been anything that was going really well and that person was perfect and I just suddenly burned the house down, well, just because.

If anything, I try and make things work even when the ship is going down (Snark is Relationship Cancer girl, the woman I moved out to LA for, Ellen The Event Planner).

I just keep thinking about the Snarky Redhead and wondering — WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?

Everything was going great — we had 5 dates, decided to stop dating others, had Body Heat chemistry, was well matched when it came to interests and intellect and then she just pulled a grenade on the whole thing (got mouthy, got mean, refused to sleep in my bed one night, admitted to sabotaging when confronted)…

And it seems there’s been a lot of sabotaging going on with L.A. Match girls — girls who play obvious ‘Ooops-I-missed-your-phone-call’ games (return phone calls at 9:20 am on a workday, call at lunch), refuse to give phone numbers just when the e-mails are getting good, give me their numbers and then never call me back (or worse, weeks later, then send me an e-mail encouraging me to call again and I do and then don’t CALL BACK AGAIN!!!!!! OMG!!!!! Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!)….

Sure, there’s the cost (downside) of dating — leads gone cold, people who vanish (shit, I vanish on women online after a couple of unimpressive e-mails or when I’ve found someone to date / focus on), but the people who take it the extra step into Dating Kabuki is what really gets my goat….

I’ve been online dating on-and-off (but more on) since 1996.

I’ve read THOUSANDS of profiles. Really. Maybe upwards of 20,000 THOUSAND. Let that sink in for a minute.

And frankly, I don’t think I can read…one…more.

Mainly, because 99 out of 100 of them read exactly the same.

You know, the “I’m looking for a partner in crime, I work hard, play harder, my family and friends are the most important people in my life, love football (Go _________ !), I’m equally comfortable in a little black dress as I am in sweats and a T shirt, love love, love to travel!, You must love dogs (at least my dog!) No games!….”

As a marketer, I imagine ads for soft drinks — Coke, 7-Up, A & W and they all just have a picture of the can and every ad says: Great Taste! Refreshing! The Best Soft Drink on the market!

Generic. That’s the worst thing you can be in advertising. The principle that drives all advertising and marketing is the U.S.P. A unique selling proposition “is a description of the qualities that are unique to a particular product or service and that differentiate it in a way which will make customers purchase it rather than its rivals.”

I suggest that people use an unique emotional selling proposition (an ESP) when composing their profiles. Something that they emotionally provide that is different than the girl in the box below and above. I’m nurturing. I’m warm. I listen. I support. “I’m hot and I like Arcade Fire and the Gators” does nothing for me (at this age.)

And the example above is the the boring, but safe essay. There’s also the I don’t like writing about myself, don’t e-mail me if you.… types of profiles.

The subtext of 99% of women’s profiles is this: I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO BE DOING THIS. This is annoying. I shouldn’t have to work this hard. I should be married already. This is stupid.

This is another thing, most profiles are EXCLUSIVE rather than INCLUSIVE.

I’ve read hundreds of this: “Don’t e-mail me if you hate your mother” but one of this: “Don’t worry if you are not close with your family, there’s always an extra chair at our family’s dining room table”

I almost fell out of my chair when I read that (and I wrote her).

What about instead of writing about how much you love your dog (a waste of space), why not write: “My dog loves to play with other dogs — do you have a dog he/she can play with?”

Match.com and Evan Marc Katz charge about $39 to re-write your profile. Such a bargain I can’t get my head around it.

In June of 2011, I had a date with a 29 year old petite, cute nerdy girl around the corner from her house. She was FUNNY — now, I don’t say that lightly. As a former stand up (and occasional depressed person), it’s a huge feat to make me laugh. And this girl did it often. We had a 1 hour and 45 minute coffee date that just flew by.

We went out a few days later and saw a comedy show also around the corner from her house and then kissed her car. Unfort., the mood was ruined by two assholes who kept driving past us with their brights on again and again.

I called for a third date….and nothing.

I was a bit surprised, but she seemed a little guarded, a little snarky, probably not ready for any kind of intimacy.

But she was funny. And I needed new friends.

So about a month or two later — I don’t remember, I wrote her a postcard (I was in her neighborhood and remembered the building where I dropped her off and jotted down the address one day) and said, “I know you don’t want a third date but you are the funniest person I’ve ever gone out with and seem to have a lot of quirky stuff in common, so if you ever want to see a movie to go to a weird art or comedy show, let me know. YOUR MAILMAN READ THIS” I wrote in big letters at the bottom.

That was probably late summer of 2011.

Then the other day I saw her on Match.com. I clicked on her profile and read it and then a day later I got this:

On my birthday, she bought me brunch and came back to my place and we were kissing and lightly “petting.” Now, when I get intimate, I get very serious, passionate, focused — I am totally in my body and not my head (where I am usually) — I go from being Ben Stiller-y to Bill Hurt in Body Heat in seconds.

And she kept making these comments that felt like she was punching my boner in the face (I would lose it).

Trying to engage her (she didn’t seem to be into making out in general), I said: “Do I still look good above you?” (She told me that the week before — a very rare sexual, loving thing she said — maybe the only thing in 5 dates)

Many ways to answer this — “Uh-huh” “Better” “Of course” “Always” “Sure” “Yep”

Hers: “Duh, I told you that last week!” — Bam! There goes my boner again….out cold on the canvas….ten, nine, eight…

After my therapy on Monday (where I talked about my concerns about her and my therapist wasn’t feeling her / us as couple at all), I get a text from her saying she is going to go out of town, but would like to see me before she goes.

I text back — That was a really nice text to get – I’m busy Tues, but the rest are free.

She texts back: Why do you always seem so surprised when I say or do something nice? I certainly have my flaws but I am a very nice person.

Ugh. This is exhausting. And it’s only date 5. I’m really close to throwing in the towel….

…and….that night it ended.

She called later and I told her I sent a text that says we shouldn’t communicate via text anymore (which she didn’t receive actually) and then we were chatting — it’s a little awkward but okay and was telling a story and then imitated some guy in the story with a funny voice and she interrupts and says (sarcastically): “That voice really turns me on.”

I snapped.

And snapped at her.

“I’m sorry that voice doesn’t turn you on — that’s how I talk, how I express myself sometimes. If you don’t like it, you don’t have to go out with me anymore.”

BAM! CUT AND RUN DAVE does it again! Well, to be fair, I was trying hard (probably too hard) to make this thing work with this girl — she liked me and was nice in many ways (picked up a check, bought me a B-Day lunch), but we were out of sync on two main core issues — communication and physically (that will be a future blog post)

Postscript: I got a text from her about a day or two later (ANOTHER TEXT — Jesus! I’d rather get an e-mail from her on Match.com) that said: I re-read your text and I realized that I did read something into it that wasn’t there. I’m sorry. If you still want to spend time together let me know. If not, I understand and wish you the best.