I like dogs. I do. In fact, I miss my ex’s dog more than I miss her and wish I could have him 2 or 3 times a month.

That being said, bringing your dog to our date is kind of like bringing an unexpected (human) guest. A very unpredictable, skittish, distracting, attention-pulling guest.

I recently went on a date where she unexpectedly brought her dog — apparently she was trying to kill three birds with one stone — walking her dog / stopping for coffee and meeting me.

When I see her approach, she’s carrying a small plastic bag of poop which she needs to find a trash can for and then dashed inside the coffee shop to wash her hands while I hold the leash. Not a great visual / first encounter. (“Hi — nice to meet you — sorry I can’t shake your hand or hug you, I’m carrying shit in a bag.”)

The dog was huge — think Great Dane — and had two casts on its front legs from some mishap. Which made EVERY SINGLE PERSON who walked past to inquire what had happened (“Did your dog owe money to the mob?”), which interrupted our conversation probably every two minutes. So the strangers asked what happened, waited for answer, then offered some one-on-one consolation to the dog (“I’m so sorry, Pumpkin — I know, your legs will get better” in a baby-talk voice.)

Also, her dog WENT COMPLETELY APESHIT when any dog or skateboarder went past — she had to hold onto him with all her strength, scolding him loudly, while on his way dismember a small poodle and almost overturn our outside table.

Look, even on dates where I’m not attracted to the person, I try and make them feel special and it’s very hard to feel special when the other person’s distracted by their current, furry love.

Hi “Craig8257″ (You’re so much better than that Craig model 8256–vast improvement.)

You come with excellent references and I’ve always dug those smarty writer types. I have my own handy testimonial. Alas I only asked for one, but I’m sure I can get others:

“Celeste is sexy, sensitive, intelligent, completely honest, and did I mention sexy? Her razor sharp wit and humour can make any exchange, even conflicts, surprising and entertaining, and she has the laugh of a 12 year old little girl.

She is exceptionally thoughtful, and very empathic to others, which is what makes her a wonderful friend as well as lover.

She is terrific to travel with, adventurous, easygoing, and flexible. Her love of mystery and magic, make Celeste a very romantic, passionate, and sensual mate.

Her mate should be handsome, intelligent, articulate, have a great sense of humour, and not look out of place in a tuxedo. He should be fiercely loyal, supportive, romantic, and bring a sense of whimsy and fun to the relationship.”

Bill Carr, 9/26/08

In the immortal words of John Lennon, ‘I hope I passed the audition.’

Best wishes,

Celeste

**********************

Dear Celeste –

Wow, gee, thanks for such a wonderful, clever and funny letter…that’s probably the best online note/response I’ve ever gotten….

But, um….ah….er…..we actually went out already, after meeting on here, in about 2004, to a show at the Knitting Factory (The UnCabaret), where you were nicer/spent more time talking to a guy who was seated on the other side of you (you guys talked about the origins of your name) and when you drove me back to my car afterwards, you said bluntly, “Look, you’re cute but I’m not attracted to you” and then I stumbled out of your car, feeling like I had been punched in the face.

So…yeah…but, again, lovely note….david

At the end of March, I had a date with a woman who had e-mailed me on Match.com a few weeks earlier saying ‘Aren’t you the laundromat marketing guy?’

Turns out we had spoken maybe 2 years ago — I vaguely remember not going out with her because she sounded snotty — something about how she owned properties in LA and, I, alas, was just a ‘renter’.

Anyway, we speak again, she sounded nicer and we meet for coffee.

I’m sitting outside and I see her approach — and her hair is pulled back super tight into a horrible little Gene Simmons bun on the top of her head. Why do women do this on first dates? Hair pulled back doesn’t even look good on actresses going to the Oscars!

She insists (doesn’t ask) that we sit inside, so I follow her in.

We sit and she starts talking about how much she loves the TV show ‘True Blood’. I mention I worked on the campaign. We talk very briefly about the ads. Then she talks about her website and that something in it / on it wasn’t “integrated”.

So, pretending to be interested, I ask, “What wasn’t integrated — the design?”

And she literally snaps: “NO — WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT DESIGN AND ADVERTISING ANYMORE. WE ARE TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE.“

Her tone was so sharp, it felt like needles on my skin. It took all my strength not to stand up and say “You know, I don’t like how you just spoke to me — I’m going to go.”

I should have, but I try and make a good impression, maintain some dignity even though the other person might be acting badly.

I never want to give the woman something that she can go back to her friends and and go “You wouldn’t believe what this crazy guy did on our date.” Especially since she knows my last name. Especially since LA is basically a small town.

What I did though was what a million girls have done to me — I just ‘checked out’ — just got complacent and humored her for the next 45 min. or so.

This felt like some Albert Brooks-Ben-Stiller-left-holding-the-bag movie moment.

Right before Xmas, I had a coffee date with an adorable dimple-cheeked actress who worked at a Science Museum as her day gig. I got there early and was window shopping on The Promenade and she recognized me as I walked past (“Hey!” Hey!”) — it was a really cute ‘cute-meet’ like we were old friends running into one another.

Our date was only supposed to be 25 minutes, but it went an hour and seemed to go really well. She was from my hometown, we talked about her family, had some real laughs.

I come home and she’s e-mailed me a thank you note!

We have a bunch of funny e-mail exchanges over the next few days, right before Xmas. Then about a week later, I call and leave a message. Nothing. I chalk it up to the holidays and her being back in Philly with family. I call exactly a week later. Nothing. The lead went cold.

*****

A couple of weeks later, out of the blue, I get a ‘Dear John’/I’m sorry I blew you off/you’re a nice guy and “I’m a coward hiding behind an e-mail” from her on MATCH.COM (I hate when they return to the dating site e-mail after you’ve talked and exchanged real e-mails).

I say no worries, we can be buddies if you like blah blah blah and we exchange a couple friendly e-mails over the next 6 weeks or so. In one of them, I asked what she was doing ‘Oscar Night.’ (I was considering throwing a party and inviting her)

She said it was the last night of the play she had had been performing in the last few weeks. In Malibu. On Oscar night.

I figure no one is going to be in that small theater in Malibu on Oscar Night and I figure if I go and be the one of 5 people who’ll prob. show up, I’ll look like a real hero. And maybe it’ll flip it for me with her.

So I go. I buy the $20 ticket and I DRIVE 30+ miles to get there.

I was wrong. There was decent amount of people there. The play was really rough to watch — think Chekov with some “True West” yelling and violence thrown in — a real intense family drama with a screaming mother character. It was very painful 2 hours. (She was great in it, btw).

So after, I’m waiting in the lobby. She comes down the stairs and beams…wait for it — at two friends of hers who had come (a couple), she’s all smiles and hugs and meanwhile, I’m only about 5 feet away and she can see me, but doesn’t give me any acknowledgement…for an uncomfortably long time.

I’m all Ben Stiller-y, rocking on my heels, staring into my empty cup, looking around and trying to catch her eye…

And then finally she says hi, I step forward and get introduced to the couple and we all make some small talk and say how great she was and then the couple leaves and she is very, very polite to me, while masking being a little unnerved/thrown.

I kept it short and took off and on the 30+ mile ride home, I was thinking ‘God, wouldn’t be great to meet a girl who would be EXCITED that you showed up to her closing night. And not unnerved.”

I’ve had a bunch of dates lately where the woman’s disappointment upon seeing me is freakin’ palpable.

I don’t know why this is — I have over A DOZEN recent pictures of myself — glasses on, glasses off, most close up — I don’t lie about my build (slender) or height (I am literally 5’7 when I show up). And I dress up — always shoes, always shaved.

And if you Google my full name – hell, if you put my full name in your BROWSER and add .com — you will find my old comedy site which has a short video of me. Sometimes I’ll even mention this so they can check me out beforehand (hey, this is what I look and sound like! Moving and talking!)

Most women tell me I look exactly like my pictures — they’ve even recognized me on the street walking to the meeting place and I’ve remained friends with a handful of women who I’ve met off the internet — I don’t think they would have stayed friends if they felt I had ‘bait and switched’ them.

What happens is, with the I’m-soooo-disappointed-girls, the woman just shuts down and goes on auto-pilot — you can kind of see them just mentally check out at the first ‘Hi’ and handshake.

And they are gone – no bringing them back with humor or with questions about themselves — they turn into Pod People — short, lifeless, polite answers.

It’s not my fault you can’t take 12 pictures and mush them together in your head and anticipate what the person will look like! It’s not my fault you can’t do 3-D modeling of humans in your mind!

***

This is my trick, how I manage my expectations — First, realize everyone looks like their 2nd worst photo – at best.

Then, I pretend they are dying and I’m from the Make-A-Wish Foundation and their wish is to have a really fun coffee date and to feel special for 20-30 minutes.

I’ve been on an unusual number of dates lately where the women clearly have half-assed it in regards to appearance.

Hey, I’m sure guys do this all the time (wear flip flops/sandals instead of shoes, don’t shave, etc.), but you’d figure women would be more aware, especially in a first-impression / date scenario.

Once I had lunch with a woman who had seemed interested in me, but when I met her at the slightly upscale, hip bistro, she was wearing flip flops, two tank tops, shorts, little or no make up, hair pulled back (either in a bun or ponytail). I, meanwhile, was dressed in dark jeans, shoes, Banana Republic collared shirt and had some product in my hair.

She looked like she was dressed to vacuum or walk her dog (which is exactly what she did when I dropped her off.)

I concluded (coupled with the fact that it took 5 weeks just to get this lunch date), she was not interested in me romantically and she just wanted to be friends (hence the I’m-not-even-going-to-put-my-hair-down/put 5 minutes into preparing for this date).

So I didn’t ask her out again. And then months later, she e-mailed me asking me why.

And I told her — I thought she was giving me a sign — that she just wanted to be friends by dressing so casually.

I’m not saying women need to spend a few hours or even an hour getting ready for a date — all I’m saying is, it doesn’t hurt to spend a few minutes showing you care.

Other faux pas: Wearing an old men’s V-neck undershirt at a coffee date (again, no make-up), refusing to take off sunglasses, hair up in a bun or pulled back.

Over the weekend, I was fooled by someone’s pictures, which rarely, rarely happens. I usually can suss out old pictures pretty quickly (“What kind of soda is that on the coffee table behind them? Is that a Crystal Pepsi? They don’t even make that anymore!!!!!) but….

I meet a woman for frozen yogurt (which I’m hoping to turn into the new ‘coffee’) and wow, she looked much different than her pictures — more mousey, more haggard, much less fun and sexy than she appeared in her photos.

And she had a lot of pictures — like 12 — which probably threw me off. There were snapshots of her on vacation in Costa Rica in a tight dress, her hair all blond and styled, and other pictures where she looked about the same.

But in person — whoa! She looked like the older, unsexier sister of the woman in the photos. Her hair wasn’t styled or blond anymore and she didn’t dress up really, outfitted very casually and had little or no make-up.

So, after the very, very long 50 minute date, I went back and looked at her profile again.

She wrote: “Costa Rica ones are from Oct 2006. I’ll work on getting more recent ones posted. Fortunately, only minor changes ”

Hmmm…not really. It turns out that within those 3.5 years, her twin brother died, her mom died and she got divorced and, I’m sorry to say, it showed.

And I’m guessing most people age more dramatically the older they get — in your 20′s you prob. look the same from 23 to 28; in your 30′s, prob 31-35; but after that it’s sort of a genetic slippery slope. It’s best to update profile pictures on a year to year basis, especially when you tip from mid 30′s to late 30′s and mid 40′s to late 40′s, etc.

***

My usual rule of thumb is: People really look like their 2nd worst photo. Not the worst, certainly not the best, but the 2nd worst. It’s like ordering the 2nd cheapest bottle of wine at a restaurant — you can’t go wrong.

Hi David,

I wanted to say how nice it was meeting you yesterday and thank you for both the company and the coffee, but I also want to be upfront and let you know that I’m not getting the sense that we are a romantic match. If my perception is on target, your feeling was/is the same. I wish you the best! – Karen