I had an interesting date last night.

A woman had written me a very lovely, very flattering note on Match about a week ago. She was cute. Not traditionally beautiful, but really, really cute. A real girl next door. She even compared herself to the girl next door and Pam from ‘The Office’ in her profile. She had been a teacher.

We talked on the phone. It was okay — not bad, not great. Unremarkable. But okay. I think we even talked for 45 minutes. Aside from one story she told about teaching, I don’t recall anything else from our talk.

Now, a few days before I had first date with a 5’9 blonde (let’s call her “The Mayflower Girl”) and our first phone call was an HOUR TWENTY — and flew by. It was very sparky. And Mayflower and I even talked a couple more times before our date on Tues. Which was great. And we made out in her car.

I remember thinking to myself, “I should just ONLY go on dates with women I have THOSE kind of conversations with. Long, sparky talks.’ ‘Cause historically? Those women are the women who become my girlfriends. All the other she-was nice-enough-good-looking-enough-talk-was-okay ones really go nowhere. They just don’t.

So I meet this one last night in The Valley. Let’s call her ‘The Nice Teacher.’

She’s right on time. And looks like her pics. And we have a nice time. And it lasts for 90 minutes. And it’s fine.

But I keep looking at her and trying to figure out why I, well, why I don’t want to have sex with her.

She’s cute. And has a nice body. And nice hands. And a kind face. Blouse could have been nicer. And her hair could be longer (both easy tweaks). And she’s an easy laugher.

But every time I went to think of her naked or us having sex or kissing, it was like tuning into a radio station just out of range and all I was getting was all static.

And I was having trouble thinking of things to ask her. Usually I’m an ace at keeping the convo flowing, even to the point I feel like I’m giving CPR to a conversation — but I kept drawing a blank.

But she asks a lot of questions and seems interested in my anecdotes and answers.

I walk her to her car. She drives me to mine. I’m wondering if we are going to kiss. I land just right of her mouth.

I drive home and realize, ‘Huh, I think I’ve been out with women who probably have felt the same exact way about me — he’s cute, charming, good on paper, paid the check, but there’s just something missing I can’t put my finger on….I feel like I should give him another chance on principle, but I can’t deny my gut telling me to move on and wait for A SPARK with someone else….”

Today, I happened to hear a podcast where a young woman told a story about her father…

She had an appealing voice and personality so I looked her up. She’s an actress in LA with a great look — she looks like Meryl Streep’s daughter. Pretty, but not too pretty with a slight bit of quirk (I mean that in the best way possible)…

Step 2 – Find out if she has a boyfriend.

Found her blog, no clue there. Found her acting website. No clue there (the last line of her bio wasn’t like: “She lives happily in LA with her boyfriend and their 2 dogs Cheeto and Max.”).

Her Facebook page gave me nothing. No “In a relationship with”, no “In a relationship” and then I dug through her photos.

No vacation pics with any guy, no wedding/bridesmaid pics and her date in a suit, no pics of her and another guy (maybe she’s a part-time nun?). Then it occurred to me — well, someone’s taking all these pictures….and then a clue…

There was a group pic of her standing next to a tall, swarthy vague-y handsome guy who had his arm around her (there were a smattering of dudes posing with her in other pics, even an arm around her waist, but wasn’t picking up “She’s mine!” vibe from them) — a guy I recognized from being in her acting reel.

I click on HIS page and VOILA! It says “In a relationship with Rebecca________________”

Now….WTF? Why does he have it posted and she has NOTHING?????? No indicator of anything? Ladies? Insight me!

UPDATE: I looked at the date of the pictures of the two of them and THEY GO BACK at least TWO YEARS. So they are BF and GF for at least two years — that seems pretty serious to me….so to have her have NOTHING about him being her BF seems conspicious…

David O russell freak out

I had a date with the cowering P.A. in the corner who gets hit in the face with the books and papers.

Man, did she have a story.

She was also weird.

Found on Match today:

On match not to date. I am too ill to leave the iv room at Dr. Harirs’s office most days. on here as a last ditch effort to see if anyone knows of an exceptional treatment that deals with life saving crisis’s of infectious disease that may help save my life. My life has taken a horrific turn this year and no ability to care for myself right now, and I have been in and out of ER and Hospitals this year more times than you can count. In Redwood city now seeing the top Lyme doctors on the West coast and still struggling. I am only getting worse day by day and we have no idea how much longer I even have on the planet. 350 plus vials of blood tests, and 60 MD doctors and naturopaths and counting. My body is failing quickly hard to walk,stand, think, and breathe clearly. I now have a picc line placed in my arm that goes near my heart for fluids and oxygen tank. I am batteling a severe case of Chronic Neuro Lyme disease, Mycoplasma, Babesia, Bartonella, and arsenic poisoning to the added list of blood labs. Severely weak and body will not hydrate on its own without IV or stop peeing most days. The letters help me smile and finding out so many others have struggled through this too. The dream that keeps me fighting is to be healed and educate others since it is the fastest growing disease in the US. In the mean time I am limited on the small amount of email I can return since my arm and hand are swollen. I return only a bare few emails in-between my sickness episodes,doctors, iv’s,treatments, etc. if they are doctor related. Cannot dirve, cannot go on dates. Have to have 24/7 care. Lyme is everywhere and is transferred by most insect bites now days and not just ticks. If you know of anyone who has truly been in remission of severe Chronic Neuro Lyme with babesia and severe life threatening conditions please let me know which doctor they used. Have been to endless naturopathic doctors, and tried every herb, product, MRS, rife, biophoton machine,gcmaf, kangen water,silver, you can probably come up. While I appreciate people offering support via phone I need in person support/care the most. No hospital in the US will treat this disease once chronic. Not even Mayo due to the politics. Watch the movie Under Our Skin to learn more. Most clinics do not treat patients on life support either as I have been dropped by several doctors when my body goes toxic from all the antibiotics they prescribe. Almost every doctor in San Diego I have been to and 6 lyme literate ones. Your stories of your own struggles are touching and wish I had the strength to write each one of you back to let you know I “get it” and have empathy for anyone who has dealt with this in their life or losing family members to horrific diseases I wish I could stop. I had cancer 12 yrs ago and that was easy compared to this. My photos were taken last year except one recent one in the past week hooked to IV.

(My 5th floor walk-up – my residence from 1994 to 2000)

I’m reading Carlos Kotkin’s Please God Let It Be Herpes and man, this guy really captured something. What’s it’s like to try and find love and dates as a man when you have been given no tools whatsoever. No older brother, no strong father figure, no friends who can impart advice. And you have limited social skills to begin with.

Reading his book reminded me of all my attempts at dating in New York in the late 80′s to about 2000.

I remember hearing about an orgy in my dorm (or a 3 way) either freshman or sophomore year. This kind of melted my brain. How does one get 2 or more people naked and having sex, when I was still figuring out how to get one naked and willing. (In retrospect, booze/drugs and beauty were probably involved)…

Here are some of the high/lowlights of my New York Dating Years:

• Tattooed Girl I met in line registering sophomore year who I went on one chaste date with (not even a kiss), who later accused me of date rape to the New School Administration after I didn’t want a 2nd date (Date Rape was ridiculous trendy in 1989).
• My freshman year R.A. (who was 21 to my 18) who I was in love with — catching her with multiple partners in the dorm. (This is a much longer, unfortunate story) – 1988 – 1989
• The ex-heroin addict from Australia who liked me but fled my apt. I minute I tried to kiss her. (circa 1997-98)
• Dating a woman who had a pitbull. And a studio apartment. The two times we had sex, her dog sat behind her head / behind the folded down futon and watched me with his angry glow-in-the-dark eyes. (1998)
• Going out with Tiffany Goldstein, a 22 year old Jewish transplant from the Midwest who was a classic Seinfeld “Two-face” (she looked completely different every other time we went out.) On our 3rd or 4th date, casually mentioned that she fucked a black guy who worked at Radio Shack she knew from H.S. when she went back home the week before. Years later, her head was bashed in by a homeless man with a 5lb piece of concrete (true story) and it made the news. (circa 1997-1998)

• Reading a forwarded e-mail where a woman I had gone out with said I was “too short to date.” (1996)
• The older woman who looked like Ann-Margret who I fooled around with once who totally lied to me about leaving for the weekend instead of just ending it with me. She was a voice over actress and every time I went to the movies, I had to hear her voice on recorded announcements before the movie started. (1997 or 1998)
• Totally freaking the roommate of a co-worker out by “courting her” – dropping off a gift of an autographed book of her favorite author at her office. (1993)
• Hitting on a redhead in elevator while on crutches, getting her number and then freaking her out when I popped by her office when I was hobbling in the neighborhood (I was an idiot). (1995)
• The girl who looked like a little Jodi Foster who had a boyfriend but totally wanted me to do something and I only figured this out 10+ years later when watching a video of me talking about it at the time. Oddly, her mother lived in my singing teacher’s building and I would pop down after my lesson. (1997/1998)

BERNSTEIN: “A fella remembers a lot of things you wouldn’t think he would remember….. there was this girl….”

Somewhere between 2007 and 2009, I happened to pull over on Wilshire to get a bagel at bagel store I had never been to before, one north of my neighborhood. It was a weekday. Maybe between 9 and 10am.

When I walked in, there was the most stunning girl — blond, blue eyes. My height. Maybe in her 20′s. She practically glowed. And she wasn’t wearing a lot of makeup or dressed in a way she knew she was hot. In fact, she carried herself like a Plain Jane, a girl next door. But she just RADIATED something. She was making my DNA twitch.

She was paying as I was vocally stumbling out my order for a plain bagel, distracted by her a few feet over. I watched her leave.

An instinct in me said, “Fuck the bagel, chase that girl down!!!!!” But then another part of your brain goes, “Are you insane? She’ll think you are trying to rob her purse if you charge out of here.”

Finally I got my bagel and ran out. She was about a block away. I jogged a bit to see just as she went out of sight. She entered an office building.

And I stood there. I had blown it.

But when I had done these things in the past, especially in NYC, when there was no internet, they really didn’t pan out. I gave my card to a girl, she never called or if she did, nothing came of it.

And I’d be damned if this girl didn’t have a boyfriend. Or a few.

I ran some Plan B’s in my head — I could go here every morning around the same time…. ah, that’s crazy. And stalky.

So when I got this feeling in the future, I would act on it rather than be haunted with the “What Ifs?” (Story to follow)

This is too good not to write about…I sorta obsessively check the ‘Who’s Viewed You’ feature on match.com — I’m always fascinated with what I find….

Yesterday there was a 46 year old redhead from North Carolina who has 3 kids who “sometimes live at home” and who smokes “but is trying to quit” (yeah, right….and a 46 year old redhead who’s been smoking for 20+ years — that can’t be good…)

Anyway, it’s her pictures that I love (for all the wrong reasons)…. here’s the first:

Okay, I want you to notice a few things…

1) the scan lines from a scanner/printer. (I adjusted them in Photoshop so they are easier to see)…so this is an actual photo SCANNED.

2) The camera she is holding is NOT a digital camera. It’s an old fashioned film camera (see how thick it is). So this photo is about 10 years old. And she does look about 34 – 36 in the pic.

Here’s the 2nd picture…where is she probably 21 years old. 26 tops. She could be 19.

Now here’s my favorite….

A picture of her and her (once) happy family!!!! The black bars are mine, BTW. The dude wasn’t even cut out. And also notice the 2nd picture was taken the same day as this one (same shirt, pants, earrings).

And I realized that baby? He’s / She’s PROBABLY 20 YEARS OLD now. He’s/She’s probably had his own baby!!!!

This is a story about The English Girl which warrants a whole post of its own. But this a good little snapshot….

So it’s our 3rd date and I end up back at her dumpy apartment in a seedy part of town. (The shower had no shower head — just a pipe jutting out of the wall and there was so much water damage to the bathroom walls, there were giant bubbles of paint and plaster falling out onto the floor)…

And she’s naked. She had a fantastic figure — she looked like a curvy Degas ballerina come to life.

She’s on the bed and her body and skin are flawless….not a wrinkle or mole….but then I notice a small, but unusually deep scar right above her breast… between the collar bone and the top of her breast.

I point at it. “Where’d you get that scar?”

“Oh,” she says casually. “That’s where my ex-boyfriend stabbed me.”

I’m processing this — she’s sort of hinted about her wild-child years and she has an Girl Interrupted / Angelina Jolie feel and look about her (full, natural lips, dark hair, piercing eyes).

“But it’s not that wide…”

“Oh, he stabbed me with a letter opener. And over here is another scar where the doctors had to keep my lung from collapsing.”

OMG!

One of the few things my parents really did right was spring for braces when I was 12 – 14. I have a great smile (my LA ex called them “TV teeth”) — not too toothy (think Denzel), but just right. I think I’ve won over some women just from my smile.

What I don’t understand is why other people my own age have terrible, terrible teeth — I’ve been on dates with women who make mid five figures – to 6 figures and they have the teeth of a hobo. I mean, for about 5 grand and a year to two years that could totally be taken care of. And there’s Invisaline too! Hell, Tom Cruise got braces!

I mention this because there are people aware of this problem and try and bait and switch you on dating sites. For instance, this attractive blond last night wrote me a lovely, lovely personalized letter. She referenced a lot of things in my own profile and was funny….and then I clicked on her pictures.

Now, she had SEVEN pictures. Five of them were close up of her face. Great. BUT she was smiling that closed-mouth Dustin Hoffman smile in ALL five.

And in the last two she was smiling open mouthed, but it was far away AND blurry. In the one last blurry one, I could tell something bad was going on — buck, horse-y teeth…

I hate to sound so judgemental, but it’s really the one thing I can’t get past look-wise (maybe like some women can’t get past the height thing)….

Plus, I don’t like the bait-and-switch aspect of it — she’s aware of the problem but hiding it from guys until it’s too late.

I don’t know if I should write back — she works at a studio 55+ hours a week so I might use that as my out…

She left in the morning and then texted me later: “I’ll call you later in the day.”

I texted back: “That’s okay, I think we are on the same page.”

The immediate response: “What page is that?”

My text: “The page where I think we broke up over the course of 5 hours last night.”

Then the phone rang. It was her.

Then the most amazing thing happened — I VOCALIZED MY FEELINGS. And not in a victim-y, blame-y way either — it came from a very strong, confident, calm place.

I remember saying things like: “I don’t know what’s going on — I don’t understand what your needs are — I can’t even figure out what kind of guy you need — you won’t respect the beta who takes your shit and an alpha won’t put up with it and I feel right in the middle….I don’t deserve the mistreatment you heaped on me last night — it’s clear you are pulling away, may I ask why?….”

And then another amazing thing happened: She admitted trying to sabotage the relationship (!!!!)

So after 20 minutes of me taking the lead on this and her agreeing and listening, I said, “Why don’t you take a few days and figure out what you need / want from me.”

****

EIGHT DAYS later she calls. I pick up because I don’t recognize / remember the number — when she identified herself, I was a bit shocked. “Oh, hi!”

Then she NEVER MENTIONS ANYTHING WE DISCUSSED. Just talks about the weather and the traffic and shit. Finally after 15 minutes, I had to make a conference call, I said, “Well, I gotta go” and we hung up.

It made me sooooooooooo mad — it reminded me of every relationship before this and growing up in my parents house — SHOVE THE UGLY STUFF under the rug and pretend it’s not there.

That was about 2 – 3 weeks ago.

Then I got a text yesterday: “I had a bizzare dream about you — are you alright?”

Whatever.