a 1st date you’ve had THREE TIMES.

There’s a difference. A big one.

I remember this first occurring when I was in New York, close to my last year (prob. 1999 or early 2000), I had coffee with this redhead who worked for a famous director — THREE TIMES. Coffee. We never even graduated to dinner. Or even lunch. We literally met for coffee three times. And each time, it was basically the same date — small talk, a few laughs, no physical progression. Not even a kiss. Or a touch on the arm.

It was the Groundhog Day of Dates. Same date — same length, same level of intimacy — just a different coffee shop and day.

After the 3rd, I had to e-mail and and ask her if we were dating, not dating, friends, not friends or what. I wasn’t mad, I just needed clarity. I just didn’t want to have a FOURTH coffee date. She wrote back she was on the fence and that’s why we went out so much, but ultimately wasn’t feeling it. (We later hung out as buddies when I visited NYC a year later, but since lost touch)

I’ve had about four of these “Faux 3rd Dates” in the last year, but only now can I really distinguish them from a “Real 3rd date.”

• The dates are oddly far apart. I went out with ‘Lena’ last year — we had our 1st date in Dec, our 2nd in Jan, our 3rd in Feb. To contrast that, the Snarky Redhead I just went out with — we had 5 dates in 21 days. Every 4 days or so. There’s freakin’ MOMENTUM.
• They don’t progress physically. You don’t kiss until the 2nd or 3rd date. And it’s not a really good kiss — it’s basically a peck.
• The dates are all the same — you don’t feel like you are getting to know the other person any better — you don’t feel them opening up, you don’t feel any closer with them, you don’t like them any more — it just feels like an exact replica of Date One.
• You just feel you are on the fence about them and they are on the fence about you. You ask them on a 2nd or 3rd date and if they refused, you wouldn’t care. There’s a “what the hell” quality about it. And you are curious to see if they’d say yes to another date — almost like you were placing a half-assed bet with yourself.

It’s rare I have bad dates like I had today, but it still happens.

She was a Plain Jane, a teacher who lived in my neighborhood. We had an okay conversation. She was kind of cute. I was trying to go for cute-and-unassuming rather than sharp and attractive.

From the minute ‘go’, she was not on board. She totally checked out. When I was ordering for us at the counter, I could feel her swimming away in her mind. Ordering took forever too.

And for the next 45 minutes, she didn’t ask one question, didn’t engage me, didn’t seem interested in my questions — she was JUST WAITING FOR IT TO BE OVER. Stared at the tabletop most of the time.

At the 50 minute mark (just about when I was going to end it), she says “Well, my meter’s going to run up” and stands up.

I stand up. “Well, thanks for coming out,” I said like I was a talk show host.

We half-ass hug each other and SHE JUST WALKS OUT. I am still at the table.

Not even the-let’s-walk-out-together.

Uggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I recently was dating someone exclsuively. For 21 days. It ended Thursday.

Correction: I ended it. Well, at least I’m the one who pulled the ‘break-up’ trigger.

Let’s back up 21 days to the 1st date, shall we?

***

Had a great phone call with Leigh — one of the best in recent memory. She was sharp and funny. Her pictures were hard to read, but clear enough she was attractive. She was a nurse. And worked weird hours — 4 days on, 4 days off. Oh, I can deal with that — I can hang with her the “free” four, I thought naively.

She lives a bit far, in another city, but one next to LA and meets me halfway for a drink. She’s right on time and OMG, really, really attractive. Redhead — BUSTY — which I didn’t really know about until I saw her in person — blue grey eyes, black leather boots.

During our date, she put her hand on my arm and at one point, reached over and touched my cheek (this is why to ALWAYS sit at the bar) — which has maybe happened 2X in 20 years.

We had a great time, concluding with a kiss on the escalator and more kissing in the parking garage.

***

2nd date: 4 days later – I drive to her city and surprise her with bowling. I propose kissing when we hit a spare and french kissing when we hit a strike. This makes the game even more exciting. 2 1/2 games later we are back at her house and probably go a little too far than we should have on a 2nd date. And I end up sleeping over. (She did live 30 miles away and it was 1am or something.)

***

3rd date: A few days after that — maybe 4 or 5 — she comes by after work. At about 9pm. I feed her and we go to bed. She leaves in the AM.

****

4th date: She comes over and makes me this amazing dinner — organic rosemary chicken with risotto. She’s a bit stand-off-ish — not as affectionate. Yes, she’s busy making me dinner, but I feel something’s amiss. Then she doesn’t sleep over (which I had assumed she would). She makes dinner, we make out and she leaves.

****

Between the 4th and 5th date, she calls me and there was a mini-crisis and even when the crisis was over, was really mean and mouthy to me. Example: “Hey, sorry I’ve been the girl lately (I was the one who liked talking about the relationship, where it was going, blah blah)….” and she snaps, “Oh, you mean for the last 41 years?”

I felt all the good will and love for her fly out of my body. It was like she hit me in the balls. With words. Really without good reason.

It really stuck in my craw…

(to be continued)…