Sometimes people get sick.

On dates.

It’s unfortunate. But it happens. We’re all human, you know?

And this wasn’t even a date! Full story below:

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I met Erin at a singles mixer (one of my last) — after having almost every woman there shuned me for being 5’7-5’8-ish and flock to the tallest guys in the room, I happened to start talking to this very thin Jewish girl (my height) from back East. She was smart and clever (Ivy grad apparently) but really wasn’t my type (a little too Jew-y for me — meaning, she looked like she could be my cousin or sister — a little too close to my own DNA).

Erin was mid 30′s, divorced and we had an unusually frank talk about relationships, the sexes, dating and ended up just glued to each other for 90 minutes. I remember she playfully teased me about taking her number down with a pencil: “I don’t remember the last time I saw a pencil — are you taking the SATs later?”

I called a few days later.

Nothing.

About a week after that, I think I sent an e-mail that said something to the effect of ‘It’s ok you don’t want to date me, but I really enjoyed our talks if you wanna be buddies, I’d like that.”

She called and left a very warm, but strange message apologizing for blowing me off and how rude that was, but she had a “very specific reason for not wanting to date…that I probably hadn’t heard before….”

Huh…

I call. She tells me she can’t date me because she has cancer.

After I say I’m sorry and ask “Why were you at a singles party.” She says cause all her friends were going and she was hanging out with them all night, in the same car.

So, she says let’s be buddies. Okay great. A couple weeks later, she invites me to accompany to her the last concert at the Disney Hall that season.

Okay, classical music not really my bag and either is driving to downtown at rush hour on a weekday night from Santa Monica, but she extended an olive branch and wants to hang out and what the hell.

I pick her up at her apartment — about 15 minutes away from me — in the opposite direction of where we need to be. I’m standing in front of her house with no access to a buzzer or a door. I call. It GOES STRAIGHT TO VOICE MAIL. For the next 15 – 20 minutes.

Finally, I think at minute 16 she comes out, saying she LEFT HER PHONE OFF. (This is a big pet peeve of mine — and its happened a few times — meet the woman at her house — when you can’t access the door — and her cell is off even though she’s expecting someone).

Okay, now we are running late, which makes me a little crazy but we make our way downtown (easily an hour ride). She admits she was once the “villian” on a reality TV show from 10 years ago (????)

Finally we get to the Disney Hall (and downtown makes me crazy — it’s a lot of one way streets) and in our seats.

A few months ago, I got a strange e-mail on Match. This is all it said:

You’re cute and fun and I’d like to make out with you, no kidding. Are you up for it? – Patty

You don’t get many of these. And I don’t know what to make of it — does she just send this to a million guys and see who bites?

I look at her 3 pictures — she’s cute and looks a lot like Pam from ‘The Office’ (my celebrity crush), but there’s one picture where she looks older and less attractive than the others.

Then I look closer at the pictures I like — they don’t look like photos of a 45 year old (which she says she is), they are definately the pics of a woman in her 30′s. Early to mid 30′s. Upon closer inspection, like I’m working at a CSI Dating Crime Lab, I can tell they are photos from A FILM CAMERA. Like with grain. And not from a digital camera. So…these pics are AT LEAST ten years old.

Then she starts IM’ing me on Match while I’m analyzing these vintage photos and she keeps complimenting my looks and every time I try and change the subject, she keeps coming back to making it flirty. After a few minutes, she IMs her phone # and asks me to call.

I shouldn’t. I really shouldn’t. But I call.

And her voice is TERRIBLE. Warbly and off-key like the voice of an old lady. Like Mrs. Howell from Gilligan’s Island. But deeper. And drunk. Like a drunk tranny imitating Mrs. Howell at West Hollywood Halloween party.

Very quickly in, she starts talking dirty. And I change the subject.

“So…who do people say you look like?”

“When I was younger, people said I looked like Linda Ronstadt.”

Whaaaaaaaaaat? Red flags are dropping all around me. Linda Ronstadt? A reference from 1983? That’s her celebrity look-a-like? And it’s 27 year old reference?

Then:

Her: “I want to tea bag you.”

Me: What? What’s that again? (I thought only guys did that)

Her: You get your balls lightly sucked. (sluring) Do you like to have your balls lightly sucked?

Me: Um, yeah, I don’t have a reference point for that…actually.”

Her: “I am making you uncomfortable?”

Me: “Look, I’m just a Jewish kid from Philadelphia — no one prepared me for this.”

And I weaseled myself off the phone.

1. If you don’t fake the move to the purse, please at least say ‘thank you’ if he pays for your meal.
2. Dude, just pick up the check – it’s the cost of dating. My new rule? WWGCD – What would George Clooney Do? He’d pick up the check and not even blink.
3. People look like their 2^nd worst picture. Not the best, not the worst – the second worst.
4. Don’t call me after a first date and tell me you are not interested in a 2nd date if I didn’t call you for a 2^nd date. Makes for a very awkward conversation.
5. Don’t be more than 10 minutes late. You will impress a guy infinitely if you are there on time or there before he arrives. Most my dates have been late. In LA, you gotta give people the ‘LA 10′ (10 for traffic, parking, valet)
6. Mouthwash right before a date (like 10-15 minutes before). Buy a travel bottle of Scope, pour it out (it’s alcohol based and just masks the stink) and replace it with the blue Crest stuff or BreathRX and keep it in your purse or car.
7. Don’t try and kiss a woman in front of a subway enterance / exit – you will almost get trampled. And it will be awkward.
8. Always keep gum or mints on your person. When I break out gum at the end of a date, I think it acts as a hint I will try and kiss her.
9. Keep a GasX in your wallet.
10. Keep an emergency $20 – 40 on you (surprise parking garage fees / or in case you have to cab it home)
11. And get Triple A. You will need it or your date will need it (you can call for your date – as long as it’s you have a Triple A number, they don’t care whose car they have to tow)

1. Never malign the movie “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” on a date. This is tantamount to blasphemy in GirlWorld.
2. Lay off the garlic and onions before a date. I actually will eat bland foods for lunch if I know I have a date in the evening.
3. Get your teeth fixed. Bad bonding, discolored bonding, snaggletooths, severely crooked teeth, whitened. Whatever it costs.
4. Don’t unexpectedly bring your dog on the date. That move speaks volumes. And your dog will “pull focus.”
5. Sit at the counter/bar if possible. Feels less like an interview and opportunity for knees to brush and to touch someone’s arm.
6. If you are with a taller woman you want to kiss, get a ride to your car even if it’s only a few yards away. Level playing field.
7. Don’t go to Starbucks. Starbucks is where dates go to die.
8. If you’re same height as your date and you wear 4 inch heels, you will be four inches taller than your date (I’m talking to you Channel 4 newslady)
9. Never meet a chaotic crowded place for a 1st or 2^nd date (street fairs, foodfests) it’s distracting and you are bumping into people.
10. Guys, keep a spare dollar at the ready to get rid of pandhandlers swiftly.