1. Profiles that start with “I never thought I’d be doing this, but…” — Neither did any of us, honey. No one grew up thinking they’d find Mr. Right / Mrs. Right by picking faces off of a screen.
2. Profiles that start with “OMG, I don’t know what to write, I’ve got 3000 characters left…man, I hate writing about myself…”
3. Profiles that start and finish with: “Will fill out later.”
4. You are your obsession / You want a mirror of yourself with a penis — A woman who has a million pictures of her and her dogs, wants to meet a dog rescuer like herself, her business is related to dog stuff — hey, maybe you should meet someone at your work. Or at the dog park. Or at the dog rescue place. Doesn’t have to be dogs — could be Bible/Lord/Jesus, horses, music obsessed, could be too into whatever they are into, so much so it’s exclusive.
5. I can spot you Russian girls a mile away — even just from the picture. You want a guy who is anywhere from 25 to 99, you are hot (but in a scary, cold way), you want to be treated like a “princess”, “spoiled”, you don’t care about guy’s height, your roots are showing through your bad blond dye job.
6. Your “long-shot”/at a distance picture MAKES A LOUSY, INEFFECTIVE MAIN PHOTO. It should be a close up of your face — not you sitting on a couch, not you climbing a mountain. When people search on match, you just see a thumbnail of the main photo and hence, your face is about as big as a pixel if you go the “long-shot” route.