Hi “Craig8257″ (You’re so much better than that Craig model 8256–vast improvement.)

You come with excellent references and I’ve always dug those smarty writer types. I have my own handy testimonial. Alas I only asked for one, but I’m sure I can get others:

“Celeste is sexy, sensitive, intelligent, completely honest, and did I mention sexy? Her razor sharp wit and humour can make any exchange, even conflicts, surprising and entertaining, and she has the laugh of a 12 year old little girl.

She is exceptionally thoughtful, and very empathic to others, which is what makes her a wonderful friend as well as lover.

She is terrific to travel with, adventurous, easygoing, and flexible. Her love of mystery and magic, make Celeste a very romantic, passionate, and sensual mate.

Her mate should be handsome, intelligent, articulate, have a great sense of humour, and not look out of place in a tuxedo. He should be fiercely loyal, supportive, romantic, and bring a sense of whimsy and fun to the relationship.”

Bill Carr, 9/26/08

In the immortal words of John Lennon, ‘I hope I passed the audition.’

Best wishes,

Celeste

**********************

Dear Celeste –

Wow, gee, thanks for such a wonderful, clever and funny letter…that’s probably the best online note/response I’ve ever gotten….

But, um….ah….er…..we actually went out already, after meeting on here, in about 2004, to a show at the Knitting Factory (The UnCabaret), where you were nicer/spent more time talking to a guy who was seated on the other side of you (you guys talked about the origins of your name) and when you drove me back to my car afterwards, you said bluntly, “Look, you’re cute but I’m not attracted to you” and then I stumbled out of your car, feeling like I had been punched in the face.

So…yeah…but, again, lovely note….david

I took my eye off my usual ‘online-dating-rules’ on this one.

It was in the Spring and I was on Match.com and this woman IMs me. And she says she’s way older than me, but she says she’s in shape, blah blah blah.

I check out her profile. She’s 53! And the photos didn’t give a lot of information (red flag!). She had one attractive photo where she was dressed up in a Dynasty / Knots Landing kind of way, but it was full length and you couldn’t really see her face. The other pictures were also at a distance and / or her face is at weird angle. Two I think had sunglasses. There was not one clear picture of her face (the main red flag!).

Anyway, we are IM’ing and it got a little flirty — there was a mention of us holding hands — and she mentions that she’s going to The Venice Street Fair and invites me to meet her there and I was actually thinking about stopping by ’cause my buddy was selling T-shirts at one of the booths. It was 2 o’clock and she said it ended at 3 so I said I’d meet her there at 2:30, thinking 20-30 minutes is perfect for something like this.

So I go. I was feeling unusually spontaneous.

She’s a hag. And I don’t throw that word around. She was short, had terrible posture, could have been mid-to-late 50′s (not early 50′s). Had that thin little line of black between her teeth and gums, which someone later told me was freakin’ gum disease. Her teeth conjured up the word ‘choppers.’ She looked like that unattractive aunt you only see at funerals. That Dynasty picture was from a long while ago.

I guess I couldn’t mask my horror / surprise (enough) when I first saw her because she was pretty miserable during our walk into the street fair.

Meanwhile, I’m trying to keep it light and upbeat, smiling a lot, but just suffering through clumsy small talk about her job and her recent Venice real estate purchase. I was really trying to keep the conversation going, but she’s not meeting me halfway, almost answering begrudgingly. All the while, it’s crazy crowded, loud, people are bumping into us, there’s a live band, there are super hot, 19 year olds with Maxim bodies walking around in two piece bathing suits.

Finally after twenty minutes, SHE FREAKIN’ SNAPS. “Hey, let’s go since you keep looking at your watch!” And spins around and starts walking the other direction.

I stammer, “Look, um, I’m…meeting…a buddy after 3, um, that’s…why….” but I so couldn’t sell it. The lie was too obvious. I didn’t even realize I was glancing at my watch.

We walked back to close to where we met in stony silence. For 10 minutes.

I don’t know why she just didn’t go, “Hey, nice meeting you — I gotta go” and just split on her own and left me at the street fair.

But, let me tell you, that was a LONG ten minute walk back.

I was tempted to say, “Hey, you don’t have to be so mad” but I felt like she could have really snapped if I tried to make things civil.

She got to her block and just said “I’m going this way, you have to go that way (indicating where Main Street was.)” Not even a handshake.

What I learned: Always go with your gut, esp. regarding pictures — you need a sharp, close up of the face. That too-far- away-sunglasses-shit won’t cut it. Two, I should have talked to her on the phone. Three, I should have set up my ‘out’ way earlier, i.e. “Oh, it ends at 3 — ah, that’s perfect — I gotta meet my buddy right after.” Four, NEVER get flirty (or sexual) before meeting.